When To Seek Therapy During A Rainbow Pregnancy

There is no one way to feel upon realizing you are pregnant again after previously suffering a loss. The range of possible emotions runs the gamut.

When I discovered I was pregnant with my rainbow baby, I had absolutely no idea how to feel as I looked down at that positive pregnancy test. I went emotionally numb.

I expected to feel happy, excited, ready to shout the good news. But an overwhelming sense of dread drowned out all possibility of feeling those things. As a result, I shut it all down. I did not allow myself room to hope.

That is the exact point I should have sought therapy. But “should” really only gets you so far though, doesn't it?

Whether you experience feelings of joy, feelings of grief, an inability to feel anything at all, or feel all of the feels all at once, getting yourself into therapy is the right way to go.

This journey is a marathon, not a sprint, and seeking mental health care is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your little rainbow (provided you are privileged enough to have health insurance that covers such a thing, but the ridiculous lack of access to mental health coverage is a whole other post entirely).

I also want to state very clearly that while I strongly believe in the importance of seeking professional mental health support during a rainbow pregnancy, and will advocate for it until I am blue in the face, I am neither a medical nor mental health care provider. I am simply here to share my own experiences in the hope it will help someone feel less alone, and possibly avoid some of the mistakes I made along the way.

Understanding Rainbow Pregnancy

While the discovery of a rainbow pregnancy can bring immense hope for the birth of a healthy baby, it can also trigger a range of emotions related to a previous loss. These complex emotions can be difficult to process, which is why seeking professional mental health support can be so incredibly important.

And for advice that goes beyond seeking counseling, see this post with more tips on navigating your rainbow pregnancy (spoiler alert: I recommend counseling in that post as well).

Pregnancy after a loss can put one on an absolute rollercoaster of emotions. Joy. Grief. Hope. Anxiety. Relief. Guilt. These are but a few of the common emotional responses. Each one can be felt separately and intensely, or all of them can be felt at once in a confusing, anxiety-provoking, and completely overwhelming avalanche. 

It is also possible that you may experience what I did. When I saw that avalanche coming, I completely shut down, shut it all out. But it came with a cost.

I managed to dull the grief and the dread at the expense of allowing myself even a moment of feeling hope or joy. I never made a conscious decision to close off all of my emotions, and my complete inability to feel anything was almost as alarming as the oncoming avalanche.

All of these complicated emotions (or sudden lack thereof) make it easy to feel confused. It is natural to grieve a previous loss while also wanting to celebrate all of the possibilities your new pregnancy might bring. And while it can be difficult, it's important to remember that these feelings are normal and it's best to try to take things one day at a time.

Identifying, acknowledging, and validating all of these possible feelings is the first step in the long road to healing and feeling prepared to welcome your rainbow baby. It can be nearly impossible to do this on your own.

Speaking with family members and trusted friends can be a good place to start, but it can also be really hard to describe how you are feeling and get the sense that they understand where you are coming from. They want to be happy for you, they want to celebrate with you, and as well-intentioned as they may be, if you are struggling at all and they've not gone through this themselves, they often don't know how to respond.

If you are going through a similar struggle and need some advice on how to announce your pregnancy, see my related post: Announcing Your Rainbow Pregnancy: If, Who, When, and How.

Speaking with a therapist, especially one trained to counsel women in the perinatal period, can help you weed through this alarming mix of emotions or any lack of them you may be feeling. You do not have to do this alone.

A Less Than Exhaustive List of Reasons to Seek Therapy

It is entirely possible for some women to cope with the wide range of emotions brought on by a rainbow pregnancy on their own. But this is an incredible weight to carry and it is ok if others find it difficult to manage their feelings. I certainly did. Whether you lost your angel baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, SIDS, or something else, counseling can be helpful in many cases. 

Mental health therapy is an essential building block of any good support network. Here are a few reasons why you might want to consider therapy during this time:

Denial and Isolation

Denial and isolation are common responses to grief. You may find yourself pushing away close friends and family, avoiding social situations, or denying that your pregnancy is real. And this denial may not look like a mere refusal to admit what's happening, it can take many forms. 

For me, I struggled to think about being pregnant or what it might look like to have a baby. I could not plan or nest. I could not look forward or backward, I was solidly stuck in the present moment for those many months.

I also felt isolated. I had an amazing support structure around me and I often couldn't bring myself to talk about how I was feeling. Everyone around me wanted to celebrate and plan for my baby's arrival, but I was unable to join in. And that could earn me worried looks or pity I didn't want. It made many social situations exhausting.

If you notice these behaviors in yourself, seeking support may be the answer. The right therapist can help you work through these feelings and develop some healthy coping mechanisms.

Overwhelming Anxiety or Fear

Anxiety and fear are also common during a pregnancy after a miscarriage. You may worry about the health of your baby or experience a sense of dread about the future, wondering how you will survive another loss. If these feelings persist and become overwhelming, it may be a sign that you need professional support. 

During my rainbow pregnancy, the only emotions that made me poke my head out of my little hole of denial were anxiety and fear. Hope hurt far too much and I couldn't allow those types of feelings. I found myself much more willing to cling to fear.

The right therapist can help you manage your anxiety and develop strategies to cope with your fears. I really wish I had reached out to one sooner than I did.

Difficulty Bonding with Your Pregnancy

After a loss, many women can find it challenging to bond with a new pregnancy. You may feel guilty or afraid to get attached, which can make it difficult to form a bond with your baby. 

I refused to learn the sex of my baby for this reason. Being able to assign pronouns would have made it far too real. To conversationally say something like, “Oh, she has the hiccups today,” or, “He's really kicking hard now,” would have brought me so much closer to imagining what that little one looked like. Or pick out a name. No, I could not have it. 

If you are hoping to develop a relationship with your little one before they arrive and are having trouble, therapy may be able to help you navigate these emotions and find your bond.

Signs of Depression

Depression is a common mental health issue that can affect women during any pregnancy, let alone one where the stakes feel this high. If you experience feelings of guilt, grief, or sadness, hopelessness, or loss of interest in activities, it may be a sign that you need professional support. 

The right therapist can help you manage your symptoms and develop strategies to cope with depression. Seeking therapy takes a lot of strength, but if there was ever a reason to muster it, getting the help you need to improve your mental health during such a heavy time is it. 

If you are struggling during your pregnancy, know that you are not alone. There is help available, and with the right support, you can navigate this difficult time and come out stronger on the other side.

Initiating Care With A Mental Health Professional

Sometimes, one of the biggest barriers to seeking mental health support (beyond a lack of coverage to make it affordable enough, but again, I digress), for any reason, is a fear of the unknown. When you're pregnant with a rainbow baby, you've already got enough on your plate without worrying about what it might look or feel like to speak to a therapist about it. But the chance to heal is so worth it.

So, here are some tips to help you initiate care with a therapist:

Acknowledging the Need For Support

Recognizing when you're struggling and in need of some help can be a real challenge if you're anything like I was and having trouble feeling anything. However, acknowledging your emotions and accepting that you might need some support can be the first step towards healing. 

Remember that you're not alone and it's okay to seek support. Despite the fact that we, as a society, don't talk about these losses enough, so many women have experienced them. And while their experiences may have differed from yours, they have a strong idea of what you're going through. 

Many therapists with the training to support your unique journey have had one of their own or are at least parents who can understand some level of the fear your current pregnancy brings.

Finding the Right Therapist

When looking for a therapist, consider seeking recommendations from your healthcare provider, support group, or through online resources such as

Psychology Today (United States):
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us 

or Mental Health Match (United States):
https://mentalhealthmatch.com/. 

Your search will likely result in a list of potential candidates. To help narrow down that list, there are several elements that go into creating the right counseling environment for you and your specific situation. Here are some things to consider:

Specific Credentials

Finding a therapist who specializes in working with women who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy or loss of a child may help you feel more at ease with the process. Seeing someone you feel comfortable with can make all the difference in how you are able to heal and grow.  Maybe insert a few titles to get their search going?

Feeling Comfortable

It is important to remember that you do not need to continue to see a therapist who doesn't feel like the right fit for you. Many counselors offer free consultation appointments so you can get to know them a little bit and make sure they can offer the kind of support you need. 

If you don't feel like you will be able to get comfortable enough with someone after an appointment or two, move on. Go back to the method you used to find that first one and choose someone new. You deserve support that fits your needs, your personality, and your beliefs. They are out there and it's ok if they're not the first possibility you find.

Online vs In-Person Counseling

Another element to consider is whether you would prefer to meet with your therapist online or in person. Online counseling was on the rise before the pandemic but is absolutely booming in its wake.  

Seeing your therapist online provides the opportunity to remain in a familiar environment while delving into some of your most painful experiences. It also makes it easier to fit your counseling sessions into your schedule and remove any added/unnecessary stressors such as traffic or parking.

However, some people can find it difficult to connect with their therapist or convey their feelings through a camera lens. Sometimes it can also benefit you to step out of your normal environment and physically go process your feelings outside of the home you are looking for happiness in.

There are pros and cons to both experiences so I recommend taking a moment to think about which one you might prefer. 

Committing to the Process

Committing to therapy and the healing process can be challenging, but the benefits to your mood and your mental health are boundless. Therapy can help you develop coping skills, manage anxiety and depression, and work through your grief.

Remember that healing takes time, especially when processing something as heavy as a lost child. It's okay to take things one day at a time. With commitment and support, you can work towards a healthier and happier pregnancy.

The Importance of Support For The Road Ahead

Prioritizing your mental health is good for both you and your baby. Whether you survived the dark time after the loss of your first pregnancy (or second, or third, etc.) on your own or with support, navigating your subsequent pregnancy is a whole different ball game. 

Seeking professional support can provide you with the tools and resources you need to manage the challenges and emotions that may arise.

Anticipating Challenges

The physical and hormonal changes that occur in pregnancy are enough to give you a hard time in and of themselves. They can cause severe mood swings, negative emotions, or fatigue, just to name a few. 

Add to that the mixed emotions that can be triggered by ordinary pregnancy milestones such as medical appointments, your baby shower, or trying to create a birth plan. Or the due date of your previous pregnancy, Mother's Day, or sometimes just the sight of baby items. 

All of these things together can add up to a weight no one should have to carry alone. Therapy can provide a safe space to discuss these challenges and receive support and guidance. 

I strongly believe therapy should be provided to all birthing parents from the moment they discover their pregnancies, or within their first trimester at the very least. That belief is multiplied tenfold for anyone who has experienced a previous perinatal loss or any complications in their current pregnancy. 

My denial was so intense that I wasn't able to do any planning or looking ahead. I was surprised by a lot during my pregnancy and the first few months after my rainbow was born.

A mental health professional trained in working with women in the perinatal period will not only be able to help guide you through your current feelings, they will also have an idea of what challenges you may face throughout your experience. They may be able to help you prepare for these potential challenges.

Identifying Self-Care Opportunities

There is far too much pressure on social media about prioritizing self-care that completely ignores how hard that can be for busy people or those struggling to just get out of bed in the morning. The right therapist may be able to help you identify some self-care practices that work best for your specific situation and how to incorporate them into your daily routine.  

Self-care does not need to be complicated. A therapist can help you find small things you can do to take care of yourself without adding undue pressure.

A Chance to Embrace New Possibilities 

While a rainbow pregnancy can be challenging, it also has the potential to be a time of excitement and anticipation as you prepare to welcome a new life into the world.

If you are having trouble finding joy in your pregnancy due to a previous pregnancy loss, or for any reason at all, you are not alone. Therapy might just be what you need to navigate this transition and embrace the possibilities this pregnancy has brought you.

As this new life blooms inside you, I encourage you to take steps to protect your mental health and seek support. I have been where many of you are. And while I cannot say the road ahead of you is an easy one, I can say I will be here trying to provide the support and comfort I could not find online while I was going through my rainbow pregnancy.

I did not handle my own experience in a very healthy way and it is my hope that some of you can learn from my mistakes. Whatever path you choose, my heart is with you.

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