Preparing for Early Rainbow Pregnancy Appointments

Early appointments during a rainbow pregnancy can bring up some really complicated feelings. Or in some cases, a complete absence of feelings.

For me, it was a lot of both – racing thoughts and emotional silence all at once or bouncing back and forth between feeling nothing and feeling every possible feel all at once.

When I was pregnant with my rainbow, I experienced a lot of numbness around medical appointments, but also quite a bit of anxiety.

My denial made it hard to feel prepared ahead of time and hard to feel present during those appointments. And then that all brought up a lot of anxiety when I didn't feel like I retained much of what my midwife had said or that I'd gotten all of my questions answered (because I forgot to ask them).

If any of this sounds familiar – whether you're struggling to engage with appointments at all, or finding yourself going through the motions while feeling completely disconnected – you're not alone.

If the struggle is real in all aspects of your rainbow pregnancy,
be sure to check out my guide post:
13 Top Tips for Navigating Your Rainbow Pregnancy.

A Note About Early Rainbow Pregnancy Appointments

Early pregnancy appointments are important for monitoring your health and your baby's development. That's the practical reality. But the emotional reality of these appointments after loss is so much more complicated.

You might find yourself caught between knowing these appointments need to happen and feeling completely unable to engage with them. Maybe you're experiencing:

• Racing thoughts about everything that could go wrong
• Complete emotional numbness when trying to plan
• Physical anxiety symptoms just thinking about medical spaces
• All of the above, cycling through at different times

Or maybe what you're experiencing is entirely different. There's no single “right” way to feel about these appointments. Research shows that up to 60% of parents experience trauma responses after loss.

So if you're finding yourself struggling to engage with early appointments – whether that's scheduling them, remembering them, or being present during them – know that this is a normal response to a complex situation.

If you need it, our first-trimester journal has space for recording and tracking your pregnancy check-ups and your feelings before and after them. It also has space for you to write out questions you'd like to ask before appointments and to take notes during appointments.

Creating a Basic Support System

Having someone in your corner during appointments can make a world of difference.

When I was struggling to engage with my rainbow pregnancy, my partner became my touchstone for appointments – helping manage the practical details while respecting my need for emotional distance.

That balance is key. The right support person isn't just someone who can keep track of dates and details – they need to understand that your disconnect or numbness isn't something to be “fixed.”

If you haven't told anyone about your rainbow pregnancy yet and need guidance on that before you can ask them to be part of your support system, see my related post:
Announcing Your Rainbow Pregnancy: If, Who, When, and How

Finding Your Support Person

Your support person might be your partner, a close friend, or family member. The most important thing is finding someone who can step into this role while honoring where you are emotionally.

Someone who understands that you might need them to handle practical details without pushing you to feel differently than you do.

Someone who is comfortable with stepping in when you need them, or handing over the reins when you are feeling a bit more engaged or capable.

Your support person should make you feel safe – someone who can sit with you in appointments without trying to force conversation or cheer you up.

They should be reliable enough to help track appointments and details, but gentle enough to respect your boundaries about discussing the pregnancy.

Working Together

Once you have someone in your support role, take some time, if you can, to talk about what you need. Maybe you want them to:

• Attend appointments with you to help track information and just be there so you don't feel alone
• Take notes so you don't have to worry about remembering everything
• Help you prepare questions ahead of time (without pushing) when you're able to think about them
• Handle follow-up scheduling while you focus on getting through each visit
• Create a simple system for keeping track of paperwork and information

Remember that these needs might change as you move through your pregnancy. What feels overwhelming today might feel manageable tomorrow, or vice versa. The right support person will understand this and be flexible as your needs evolve.

Communication is Key

Be honest with your support person about what you can and cannot handle. If you need them to hold onto information until you're ready to process it, let them know. If you need them to help advocate for you during appointments, talk about what that might look like.

It's also okay if you're not sure what you need. Sometimes just having someone present who understands that this is complicated can be enough.

Managing the Appointment Experience

Even if you're physically present in your rainbow pregnancy appointments, you might feel like you're watching everything happen from behind a glass wall. That disconnect can make it hard to process information, ask questions, or advocate for yourself.

Before the Appointment

The anticipation leading up to appointments can be overwhelming. Your mind might race with memories of previous experiences, or you might find yourself completely shut down. Both reactions (and anything in between) are normal responses to such a challenging situation.

Having a support person with you can help create a buffer between you and some of these challenges. They can help handle the practical aspects like driving or checking in while you focus on just getting through the appointment. If you're able to think about questions ahead of time, they can write them down for you. If you're not, that's okay too.

And, if it has been a while since your lost pregnancy, or you are having trouble recalling early appointments from that pregnancy (completely normal trauma response), here is an article from the American Pregnancy Association about What to Expect at Your First Pregnancy Appointment.

Refreshing your memory about what to expect might bring you some peace of mind.

In the same vein, if you would find it helpful to get some advice about preparing for your appointment, see this article from UCLA Health about what to do Before Your First Visit with a Health Care Provider.

Neither article is specific to pregnancy after loss, but there is still useful information in them about general pregnancy.

If you find yourself able, journaling can provide a private space to process your thoughts and feelings before appointments. Even if you're feeling disconnected, sometimes just putting pen to paper can help release some of that mental noise.

Pre-Appointment Journal Prompts:
What do I need most to feel supported during this appointment?
What specific concerns would I like addressed today?
If I could tell my healthcare provider one thing about how I'm feeling, what would it be?
What helps me feel grounded when things feel overwhelming?

During the Appointment

Medical spaces can be full of triggers, from the smell of hand sanitizer to the sound of fetal dopplers in nearby rooms. You might find yourself:

• Having trouble focusing on what providers are saying
• Feeling physically present but mentally and emotionally distant
• Struggling to form or ask questions
• Experiencing anxiety or panic symptoms
• Feeling completely numb

These are all normal trauma responses. Your brain is trying to protect you the best way it knows how.

Sometimes, simple grounding techniques can help you stay present enough to get through the appointment.

Taking deep breaths, holding a cold water bottle (focusing on the feel of it in your hands or pressed to your forehead), or squeezing a stress ball or your forearms can help anchor you to the present moment.

Your support person can also help by taking notes and asking questions you've discussed beforehand.

After the Appointment

The hours and days following appointments often come with their own challenges. You might feel exhausted, emotionally drained, or still stuck in that fog of disconnect. Give yourself permission to process (or not process) at your own pace.

This might mean:

• Taking time alone if you need it
• Letting your support person handle any follow-up tasks
• Not forcing yourself to talk about the appointment until you're ready
• Focusing on basic self-care like rest and hydration
• Allowing yourself to feel however you feel without judgment

Journaling after appointments can help you track patterns, process experiences, and identify needs for future visits. Even if you're feeling numb, noting down basic facts about the appointment can help you reference them later when you're ready to engage more fully.

Post-Appointment Journal Prompts:
What felt challenging about today's appointment?
What helped me get through it?
What would I like to do differently next time?
What do I need right now to take care of myself?

When Providers Don't Understand

Not all healthcare providers understand the complex emotions that come with rainbow pregnancy. Some might expect you to be excited or push you to “just enjoy being pregnant.” Others might get frustrated if you seem distant or have trouble engaging during appointments.

For more guidance on finding a provider who understands rainbow pregnancy, see my related post on Choosing the Right Healthcare Provider for Your Rainbow Pregnancy.

You're not responsible for managing your provider's feelings or expectations. Your emotional responses – whether that's numbness, anxiety, or anything else – are valid trauma responses to a very real previous loss.

If you're finding it difficult to connect with your provider, you have options. Sometimes, simple phrases can help communicate your needs without requiring you to dive deep into emotional territory:

• “I'm having trouble processing information today. Could you write down the key points?”
  
  
• “I experienced a loss before this pregnancy, and I'm finding appointments challenging. Having things explained step by step helps.”
  
  
• “I might seem distant, but I am listening. It just helps me cope if I stay a bit disconnected right now.”

If your provider consistently makes you feel misunderstood or invalidated, it's okay to consider finding someone new.

For help with making a change in your care, see my related post:
A Rainbow Pregnancy Guide to Switching Healthcare Providers.

Finding Your Way Through

Managing early appointments while feeling emotionally disconnected isn't easy. But your feelings (or lack thereof) don't reflect on your capacity to parent or your love for this baby.

You're doing the hard work of balancing protection with necessity. Some days that might mean going through the motions while feeling nothing. Other days it might mean feeling everything all at once. Both are okay. Both are normal. Both are valid.

Trust that your mind and body know what they need to get through this time. Sometimes that means staying disconnected until you feel safe enough to let those walls down.

Sometimes that means leaning hard on your support system. Sometimes it means finding a new provider who better understands your journey.

But just because it's all normal and valid, doesn't mean it isn't hard or
too much to carry alone. I highly recommend getting
yourself into therapy with a trained perinatal specialist.
For more guidance on this, see my related post:
When to Seek Therapy During a Rainbow Pregnancy.

Whatever your path looks like, you don't have to walk it alone. Whether you're feeling everything or nothing at all, this community is here to support you through every step.

Come join us in our free, private Facebook group to connect with others who understand where you are.

Before you go, I want to reiterate VERY CLEARLY that I am neither a Medical Health Care Provider nor a Mental Health Care Provider. Nothing I have written here should be taken as medical advice. PLEASE seek help from a professional if you have any questions or concerns about your pregnancy or your emotional state.