Grief and Gratitude in Rainbow Pregnancy

As we head into November and start to see the seasonal focus on gratitude that the Thanksgiving holiday brings, many of us are surrounded by reminders to reflect on what we’re thankful for.

So I wanted to take this opportunity to talk a bit about gratitude; how it might be hard to find sometimes, and how it might be able to help you if you let it.

For those navigating the emotional turmoil that comes with pregnancy after loss, grief and gratitude often walk hand in hand, stirring up a bunch of other confusing and conflicting emotions.

On the one hand, you might feel incredibly grateful for this pregnancy while also still reeling from the enormity of what you lost. Sometimes, those feelings of gratitude can be overshadowed by guilt for any joy or hope we might experience for this new life growing inside of us.

And that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the dizzying number of feels you might feel on any given day.

The truth is, gratitude isn’t a magic solution for your grief. It won’t erase your pain or guarantee that everything will be okay. But it can be a gentle companion to your grief, offering small moments of peace when the weight of everything feels too much.

In fact, research has shown that practicing gratitude, even in small ways, can have powerful benefits for both mental and physical health. Studies suggest that gratitude can help improve sleep, boost mood, reduce anxiety, and even enhance resilience in the face of trauma​.

For more information about the proven benefits of practicing gratitude, check out this article from Psychology Today that covers the results of many studies on the subject.

In this post, I want to explore gratitude as one possible option for finding peace amid the many and ever-shifting feelings you might go through during your rainbow pregnancy.

While it’s not a quick fix or the only way to process your emotions, incorporating gratitude as a daily practice into your routine can offer a quiet sense of calm amid the uncertainty.

It’s not the only way to cope, but it may be something worth trying—on your own terms and in your own time.

My Own Gradual Path to Gratitude

Admittedly, sitting here writing to you about practicing gratitude as a way to quiet some of the storm makes me feel like a bit of a fraud.

I was an absolute mess during my rainbow pregnancy. I was one big ball of anxiety and the only thing I practiced on the daily was denial.

But I want better for you. When I finally did get myself into therapy toward the end of my pregnancy, gratitude was something I spoke with my counselor on a regular basis. I didn't have it in me to start working on it then.

It wasn't until a while after my rainbow was born that I began working on gratitude. While my anxiety did not magically go away once I had my rainbow in arms, gratitude did become a little easier to find and I was able to cultivate some peace, little by little.

All of that said, I want you to do what I say, not what I did. 😉 I want you to know that I understand how hard this might be to add to your plate right now. But I also know that it might help.

If you're looking for guidance during your rainbow pregnancy, start here:
13 Top Tips for Navigating Your Rainbow Pregnancy

So here we go, if you're still here, let's talk about gratitude.

Finding Space for Gratitude

As I mentioned above, gratitude and grief can coexist, even though they may feel at odds. And finding room for gratitude doesn't mean you're forgetting or replacing your lost little one(s).

Gratitude isn’t about ignoring the pain or pretending everything is fine. Instead, it’s recognizing small moments of light, even when the darkness feels overwhelming.

Gratitude in the moment doesn’t have to be grand or transformative—it can be as simple as appreciating a bit of calm or support from a loved one.

You don’t need to feel grateful for everything all at once, or even every day. There’s no pressure to find gratitude when it feels out of reach. Some days, you might only find one small thing to hold onto, and that’s enough.

Gratitude is not about forcing positivity, but about allowing yourself to see what’s good alongside what’s hard.

If you decide to explore this practice, try to let it evolve naturally. Some days, it might be as simple as acknowledging the comfort of a warm beverage or the way sunlight streams through a window.

Other days, you may reflect on deeper sources of gratitude, like the support of someone who understands your journey or that today, in this moment, you and your pregnancy are healthy.

Gratitude doesn’t diminish your grief but it does offer another way to process your experience and maybe view things from just outside the walls of denial and anxiety you've built around yourself.

Gratitude is a choice, not an obligation. It’s there when you’re ready for it, as a tool to help you navigate the ups and downs of this season (of the year and of your life).

For more about working gratitude into your life, check out my friend Laura's blog post about it: Simple Ways to Practice Gratitude Daily

Grief is Not Linear

Grief and hope aren’t linear, and you may find that some days feel heavier than others. There might be moments when hope feels within reach, only for grief to return unexpectedly. This ebb and flow is completely normal. It’s okay to have days where it feels impossible to find gratitude, and it’s important to honor those feelings rather than push them aside.

On the hard days, it can help to focus on small acts of self-compassion. Here are a few things you can try when the weight of grief feels overwhelming:

• Acknowledge one small comfort: On those especially tough days, find something simple that brings you even a moment of peace – the sound of rain, a cozy blanket, the presence of someone who cares. It may feel like a small thing, but it can be a valuable anchor when everything else feels too heavy.
  
• Give yourself permission to grieve: If gratitude feels out of reach, don’t force it. Allow yourself to fully feel the grief. This pain is hard to sit with. We want to avoid it or jump right over it. But the truth is that we must move through it.
  
  Sometimes, writing about or talking through your feelings can help release some of that weight. Journaling and counseling are both really good options here and I recommend both.

For more thoughts on counseling and when you should get yourself some, see my related post on When to Seek Therapy During A Rainbow Pregnancy.

• Remind yourself that it’s okay to have ups and downs: You don’t need to feel hopeful or grateful every day. There will be moments when grief overshadows everything, and that’s perfectly okay. On those days, try to just focus on what you need to make it through, whether it’s taking a break, talking to a trusted friend, or simply allowing yourself to rest.
  
• Focus on today, not tomorrow: On difficult days, it can be helpful to bring your attention to the present moment. Even if you can’t feel hopeful about the future, finding one thing in your current day to appreciate—however small—can offer a little light in the darkness.

It’s completely normal for emotions to fluctuate, and you don’t have to be “okay” all the time. Grief and gratitude can coexist, and some days, one will win out over the other. Give yourself permission to move through your emotions in your own time and on your own terms.

Using Gratitude Prompts to Get Started

When grief (or guilt, anxiety, dread, etc.) feels overwhelming, it can be hard to know where to begin with gratitude. This is where prompts can be especially helpful—they provide structure when emotions feel chaotic, guiding your thoughts in a way that makes space for both grief and gratitude.

Rather than forcing yourself to “feel thankful,” prompts allow you to gently explore your emotions at your own pace, offering an entry point to reflection without all the pressure.

Tips for How to Use Gratitude Prompts:

• Take it slow: Prompts are a tool to help guide your thoughts, not a checklist to rush through. Spend time with each prompt, allowing your responses to unfold naturally.
  
  Some prompts might feel right for you on certain days, while others may resonate more later. You might sit with one prompt for several days, allowing your thoughts to unfold slowly. Or, on some days, you might feel like exploring more than one. There’s no right or wrong way to use them—let them guide you in whatever way feels most natural.
  
• Write when it feels right: You don’t have to engage with the prompts daily. Use them when you feel open to reflecting. If writing feels too difficult on some days, that’s okay. Come back to the prompts whenever you’re ready, and let them be a supportive resource rather than a task. Let's not take on any more “shoulds.”
  
• Adapt them to your journey: All journaling prompts are flexible and meant to be a starting point, and it’s ok to make them your own. If you find yourself wanting to go deeper into one question or shift the focus, feel free to do so. This process is about meeting your needs and finding what works best for you in the moment.
  
• Pair with self-compassion: Journaling can stir up emotions, especially when balancing so many different ones at once. If a prompt brings up difficult feelings, consider following it with an act of self-care, like resting, taking a walk, or connecting with someone who understands your journey. The prompts are meant to help you reflect, but they should always feel like a support, not a burden.

Some Example Prompts to Get You Going

Here are a few gentle prompts to help you start your exploration of gratitude:

• “What is one small thing that brought me comfort today, even in the midst of my grief (anxiety, denial, guilt, etc)?”
  Focusing on small comforts can help anchor you on tough days. It could be something as simple as a warm cup of tea, a favorite song, or a quiet moment to yourself. This prompt encourages you to notice those small moments that can bring a bit of ease, even when things feel heavy.
  
• “Is there someone in my life I’m grateful for during this pregnancy?”
  Reflecting on supportive relationships can be grounding and help you feel a little less isolated. Whether it’s a partner, a friend, or someone who has been there for you in a meaningful way, acknowledging those connections can remind you that you’re not alone in your experience.
  
• “How can I hold space for both my sorrow and my gratitude?”
  This prompt invites you to explore how grief and gratitude can coexist. There’s no need to choose between the two—both can be present in your life. This reflection is about honoring the emotional complexity of this season in your life and allowing you to feel gratitude without dismissing the weight of your grief.

These prompts are just the beginning. For more structured guidance and additional exercises, the journal I've created offers a wide range of reflections designed specifically for those navigating the emotional ups and downs of a rainbow pregnancy.

Finding Peace in the Process

Navigating rainbow pregnancy can feel incredibly overwhelming at times, but there are things you can do to work through some of that overwhelm.

I will surprise you all by recommending counseling again. Speaking with someone who has training in working with the perinatal population as well as grief and/or trauma can make a world of difference.

Finding community is another excellent way to keep some of the overwhelm at bay. Finding a support group or joining an online community like the one that can be found in our private facebook group can fend off feelings of isolation. You are not alone.

Exploring gratitude can help you discover moments of peace, even in the midst of uncertainty. Take your time. Whether you journal, reflect quietly, or simply notice small comforts, let the practice of gratitude be a resource when you’re ready.

As you move through the complex emotions of your rainbow pregnancy, remember that both grief and gratitude can coexist without canceling each other out. Some days, grief may feel heavier, and on others, gratitude might offer a sense of relief. Neither feeling diminishes the other, and it’s okay to hold space for both.

Before you go, I want to reiterate VERY CLEARLY that I am neither a Medical Health Care Provider nor a Mental Health Care Provider. Nothing I have written here should be taken as medical advice. PLEASE seek help from a professional if you have any questions or concerns about your pregnancy or your emotional state.