13 Top Tips for Navigating Your Rainbow Pregnancy

The discovery of a rainbow pregnancy is a joyous occasion! Or is it? It certainly seems like it should be, right? Maybe? 

The truth is that there is no one way to feel about such a discovery.

The delicate balance between mourning a profound loss and embracing a new beginning is one of incredibly complex emotions and unique challenges. Some women might feel a full range of mixed emotions, while others may struggle to feel anything at all. 

I fell into the latter camp. I was so afraid to hope. The crushing weight of the dread I felt at going through another loss was enough for me to shut my emotions down and exist in a state of denial for the duration of my pregnancy. 

This denial was a reflex rather than a choice. And my inability to fight it prevented any chance at bonding with my pregnancy or planning to bring home an infant. I was wholly unprepared to become a mother, despite the months of pregnancy to plan.

It is my hope that in this blog post, you will find the guidance I wish I had found online after I looked down at that positive pregnancy test. I've outlined below some of the pregnancy milestones I struggled with the hardest on my own wild ride toward becoming a rainbow parent.

Understanding Rainbow Baby Terms

If you've made it this far, you were likely looking to be here and already know what I'm talking about. But for those of you who are new to the idea of a rainbow pregnancy or rainbow baby (I had never heard of these terms until after my miscarriage), let's break it down a bit.

Defining a Rainbow Baby

The term rainbow baby is used to describe a baby that is born after a previous miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. The term “rainbow” is used because it represents a symbol of hope and renewal after a storm.

While the responsibility of the term has been called into question for a few different reasons, it is still the one that is the most widely known and used. For that reason, I will be using it as well.

You may also see the term angel baby. This is used to describe a baby lost during pregnancy or infancy.

An Emotional Time

Embracing the joy of a rainbow pregnancy while continuing to mourn your previous loss(es) is an incredible mountain to climb. This new pregnancy is good news, but it carries with it so many reminders of past traumatic experiences.

From the pregnancy test, to the first time you hear your baby's heartbeat, to feeling your baby move or have hiccups, to a baby shower and birthing classes, to the birth of your rainbow baby; all of these milestones can be happy times or triggering ones, or both.

This experience can feel incredibly isolating, but I promise, you are not alone.

1. Be Gentle With Yourself While/After Discovering Your Rainbow Pregnancy

After my miscarriage, I focused a lot of my energy on getting pregnant again. But I eventually stopped believing it would ever happen a second time. So when I learned that it had finally happened again, I was unprepared. I expected to feel this great flood of emotions, but they didn't come.

My mind raced as I tried to process the positive result on that pregnancy test, analyzing its implications, but I just stood there, unable to figure out how to feel about it. I spent the majority of my pregnancy telling myself I should be feeling differently while simultaneously hiding from any of those feelings.

And whether you are standing where I once was, feeling numb, or feeling every possible feel all at once, or anywhere in between, I want you to know that it's ok. Your feelings, no matter how confusing or contradictory they may seem, are valid. There is no right way to feel here. Don't beat yourself up like I did.

Give yourself some grace and some time to process this new possibility.

And if you are feeling every feel all at once and need some tips for regulating it all, check out this post by Holly Runion at Beyond Survival about Managing Emotional Tsunamis.

2. Leave Space for Your Partner's Feelings as You Share the News With Them

Knowing how to share your news with your partner can be intimidating. If you are like I was and not even sure how you feel about it all, it can be hard to predict how your partner will react.

Just as you may need some time to figure out your feelings about this big change, your partner may need some as well. While they may not have the same range of emotions to navigate as you, there are plenty of complicated feels left over for them to sort through.

My husband was pretty careful about his reaction, likely because he found it hard to get a read on mine (join the club). He later told me that he also had a lot of feelings to wade through, such as hopefulness, fear, joy, protectiveness, and helplessness, just to name a few.

I needed to tell my husband right away because I needed to lean on him a bit, and make sure he knew he could lean on me too.

Some of you may want to wait a little bit or plan a cute way to tell them. Some of you might sit through those two minutes before counting pink lines together. Do what feels right for you and your partner.

See my post on Telling Your Partner About Your Rainbow Pregnancy for more on this.

3. Protect Your Mental Health

Rainbow pregnancy is an incredibly wild ride. Prioritizing your mental health during this time is so important, and it's your best chance at fostering a bond with your pregnancy.

All of this is so much easier to do with some trained help. And, spoiler alert, I will be heavily recommending mental health counseling, on repeat, ad nauseam, throughout this blog.

Seeking Therapy Early

Establishing a relationship with a therapist before birth can help mitigate the risk of potential postpartum mood disorders (see below). I would recommend this to anyone, even those who have not previously suffered a loss.

Therapy can also provide a safe space to process the grief, memories, and mourning that come with the loss of an angel baby. As I have mentioned several times already, you are in for a wild ride of emotions (this can be true of any pregnancy). A therapist can help you navigate the ups and downs of all you will endure, and provide support as you try to prepare for the arrival of your little one.

Mitigating the Risk of Postpartum Mood Disorders

Postpartum mood disorders are not uncommon and can affect anyone, regardless of their pregnancy history. However, women who have experienced a loss or fertility struggles may be at a higher risk. Establishing a support system before birth ensures you'll have a safety net, should any problems arise.

If you are not already in therapy, please consider it. My therapist has seen me through so much and I continually kick myself for not reaching out sooner.

For more information on seeking mental health counseling, see my post on
When to Seek Counseling During Your Rainbow Pregnancy.

4. Carefully Consider If, When, and How You Want to Announce Your Pregnancy

Announcing your pregnancy can be a very personal decision, and there is no right or wrong way to do it. Some people choose to wait until they are past the first trimester, while others choose to share the news as soon as they find out.

You don't owe anyone an explanation for your decision to announce or not announce your pregnancy. Ultimately, it should be based on what feels right for you and your partner.

To Announce or Not To Announce?

The first time I got pregnant, I contemplated waiting until after we were through the first trimester but we threw caution to the wind and planned a cute way to tell our families.

When I found out I was pregnant the second time and went into my state of denial, I wasn't sure what to do about sharing the news. Not knowing how to feel about the pregnancy bled into not knowing how to feel about announcing it. 

There are a lot of emotional aspects for you and your partner to consider when deciding whether to share your news with others. You may feel excited to share the news with family and friends, but also worried about their reactions. You may also be concerned about how others' reactions will affect your emotional well-being, especially if you have experienced loss or infertility in the past.

Release yourself from the pressures of what other people may think or want and just do what feels right to you.

For a deeper dive into the ins and outs of announcing, see my post on:
Announcing Your Rainbow Pregnancy: If, Who, When, and How.

5. Choose Your Healthcare Provider with Care

There are so many things to consider when choosing a healthcare provider for your pregnancy, previous loss or no.

I put very little thought into where I would go for care with my first pregnancy, so I was a bit adrift when looking for care for my second. I only knew that I did not want to go back to my previous provider.

I went to a big medical center for my first pregnancy and hated it, so for my second, I sought a small midwife practice. For you, it may be the other way around. There are a lot of different options to weigh and the decision can seem daunting. 

For guidance in this area, see my related post on:
Choosing the Right Healthcare Provider for Your Rainbow Pregnancy.

One thing to note is that you do not need to stick with a provider you don't feel comfortable with. If you are not vibing with the first provider you see, move on; find one who helps you feel as calm, confident, and prepared as possible.

If you are unhappy with your current provider and thinking about a change,
see my related post:
A Rainbow Pregnancy Guide to Switching Healthcare Providers.

6. Assess Your Emotional State Before/During/After Medical Appointments

During any pregnancy, there are a lot of check-ups. Those can inspire any number of mixed emotions. But when you add on a previous loss, fear and anxiety are likely to come to the forefront. 

This will be different for everyone, depending on the point in your pregnancy (or after) you lost your little one and how that news was delivered. For me, the traumatic experience of the doctor not being able to find a heartbeat during an ultrasound in my first pregnancy caused all ultrasounds in my second one to flood me with dread. Really, any time a healthcare provider searched for a heartbeat, I was a wreck.

Anxiety was far more effective at piercing through the wall of denial I had built than hope ever was. If you are experiencing fear, anxiety, or a confusing mix of emotions surrounding your medical appointments, you are not alone. If hope is shining through for you, that's ok, great even. 

No matter what feelings come up before or during your medical appointments, I strongly recommend working through them with a mental health professional who specializes in perinatal matters (and I will until I am blue in the face).

7. Consider Whether You Want to Learn Your Baby's Sex

When you are pregnant with a rainbow baby, deciding whether or not to learn your baby's sex can be a difficult decision. It is important to consider your own feelings and coping mechanisms when making this choice. Ignore any outside pressure and do what feels right to you.

To Learn Or Not To Learn 

Some parents choose to learn their baby's sex as soon as possible, while others prefer to wait until the birth to be surprised. If you are struggling with denial or guilt related to your previous loss, not learning the sex of your rainbow baby may be a way to protect yourself from getting too attached or feeling like you are replacing your previous child.

Because I could not bring myself to believe I would be bringing home a baby, I chose not to learn the sex. For me, that would have made everything so much more real.

I didn't think I could picture that little girl or boy and not fall in love, not start naming and dreaming. (I also don't like the idea of pigeonholing a baby into specific gender roles before they are even born yet, but that is a discussion for another time.)

But protecting yourself from possible pain is not the only reason to wait until birth to learn the sex of your baby. Maybe waiting is a way to build some hopeful anticipation for yourself. We're all different and as is the theme with this entire post (whole blog, really), there is no wrong way to feel or approach this. 

On the other hand, learning your baby's sex might be the way to bring excitement and joy to your pregnancy. It may help you feel more connected to your baby and allow you to start planning for their arrival.

If you want to look to the future instead of merely surviving the present, figure out what will help you look forward and do that.

Do What's Right For You

Ultimately, the decision to learn your baby's sex or not is a personal one. Reflect on your own reasons for wanting or not wanting to know and consider how it will impact your mental health and well-being. There is no right or wrong decision here.

You may experience external pressure from friends and family to go one way or another. But this is not their decision and it has no bearing on their mental health. Remove their feelings from the equation and proceed however you need to.

If your partner has differing opinions on the matter, talk through your reasoning with them. They might not understand your feelings and just need them explained. Leave some room for your partner's own feelings and come to an agreement.

8. Try Not to Dwell on Possible Pregnancy Complications

Maybe you'll encounter some, maybe you won't. I was blissfully naive during my first pregnancy. I had no idea how common complications were. We really don't talk about them enough as a society, but I won't get into that here.

Because I was so uninformed about miscarriage and complication statistics, the loss of my first pregnancy hit me like an oncoming semi.

And because of that, I was constantly expecting the worst in my second one. That was further compounded by finding out my progesterone was low in my very first blood test. That was just the beginning of my journey and it set the tone for my expectations for the rest of it

Encountering pregnancy complications can be especially difficult if you have a heightened sense of fear due to your previous loss. Managing anxiety related to these complications is such a heavy burden to carry. It's important to remember that not all complications mean that you will lose your baby. 

When I was told about my low progesterone, I was sure I only had a few days left before my whole world caved in again. But we were able to manage it, and I went on to have a healthy baby.

I encourage you to seek mental health support from a perinatal specialist (surprise!) as you navigate complications. Seeking support before any potential complications arise would be even better.

Joining a support group for parents who have experienced pregnancy loss can also be helpful. These groups can provide a safe space to share your feelings and connect with others who understand what you're going through. 

Not everyone in your life will understand or know what to say or how to help. Finding external support from trained professionals and/or others who have experienced a similarly devastating loss can help you find a sense of community during such a tender time. You're not alone.

For help with finding the right resources for you, I recommend Postpartum Support International.

9. Prepare Yourself for Social Pregnancy Milestones: Baby Shower and Creating a Registry

As you continue to move through your rainbow pregnancy, there are also social milestones that you may encounter. Two of the most significant are planning your baby shower and creating a gift registry.

While these events can be exciting and enjoyable, they can also bring up conflicting emotions and challenging decisions.

The Pressures Of Planning A Baby Shower

Planning a baby shower can be fun for some, and overwhelming for others. You guessed it, I'm going to say there is no right or wrong way here. Whether you look forward to this event because it can build up some anticipation and help you look to the future, or struggle to find excitement for it because it might lead to too much hope, or you feel something else entirely, it's ok to feel that way. It's your baby shower and it can go, or not go, however you want it to.

Some things you should try to avoid are added pressures around having the perfect theme or guest list. In many cases, it is customary for the baby shower to be planned by a close family member or trusted friend. Let them. Give them as much or as little input as you'd like. If it doesn't feel like too much for you, join in with whatever you want. 

But if it seems like a lot, in the grand scheme of things, the decorations at your baby shower are not something to lose sleep over. I say this, not to take away from or dismiss anyone who does want a hand in planning the festivities, but to grant permission to whoever may be looking for it to take a step back from this if they need to.

I personally needed to give up the reigns on event planning to my mom, best friend, and sister-in-law. All of them were amazing and really wanted to be involved. I felt like it gave them a way to work through some of their own hope for my future little bundle and support me when they weren't sure how else to do so. I really hope they felt this way too.

Baby Registry Overwhelm

Creating a baby registry can also be a daunting task. Every time I tried to sit down and make one, I got overwhelmed with all of the options and researching reviews and had to stop. It took me a really long time to put that list together. I had no idea what we needed and what we didn't, and I had no drive to find out.

Depending on your previous loss experience, looking at baby items may also be triggering for you. I had an incredible amount of trouble searching for items for a baby I couldn't let myself believe would be born, and I worried about having all of those items in my house if the worst happened. 

To make this process as easy for yourself as possible, start with the basic essentials you'll need to have to bring your baby home. Consider asking friends or family members who've had a baby for their recommendations. 

Remember to take care of yourself throughout these milestones. It's okay to experience conflicting emotions, and it's so important to honor your feelings. Think seriously about reaching out to a counselor who specializes in perinatal mental health if you haven't already. They can provide you with strategies and coping mechanisms to get you through this time. 

10. Schedule Your Birthing and Parenting Classes Early

My denial was so strong, birthing classes didn't even cross my mind until my midwife brought it up. By the time I got around to looking for classes, it was the beginning of December (my baby was due in late January). 

As it turns out, a lot of people who offer birthing classes work for themselves and opt to take the month of December and usually some of January off. I couldn't find one that would be finished before my baby was due (and my kiddo made an early debut so we wouldn't have actually even started those classes before they were born).

Due to all of that, my husband and I never took classes. So I can't weigh in here about whether they might have made things more real for me or made me feel more prepared. 

But when we brought our baby home and I felt wholly unprepared to have a tiny human dependent on me for everything, I really wished I would have taken some classes.

If birthing/parenting classes aren't for you, that's ok and completely your choice. But if you think you or your partner might benefit from them, I strongly recommend you look into them and maybe even schedule them before you reach your third trimester. 

11. Prepare Yourself For Delivery

As your due date approaches, it is natural to feel a mix of excitement and anxiety, or even continued denial as was the case for me.

When my midwife suggested I start thinking about a birth plan, I was a bit surprised I'd reached that place already. Sometimes my pregnancy seemed like it stretched on forever; other times, it seemed to fly by.

If you've made it to the point where your provider is asking you to think about a birth plan, allow yourself to hope a little bit, if you can. Your chances of getting to meet and bring home your baby increase every day. If it doesn't feel like too much, maybe try funneling some of your tentative hope toward a birth plan.

It's usually advisable to go into any medical procedure with at least a loose plan of how you'd like things to go in certain situations so you or your partner can advocate for what you want.

It is also important to consider what you do not want during delivery. And if you are a bit overwhelmed and/or having trouble thinking through what you do want, focusing on what you don't may be much simpler.

This can be a difficult conversation to have, but it is necessary to communicate your wishes with your partner and healthcare provider. If you do not want certain interventions or procedures, make sure this is clearly stated in your birth plan. 

Open communication with your care team is really essential here so they can make the best decisions possible if something unexpected happens and you are in a vulnerable state. As is true going into any unknown situation, you will need to leave room for some flexibility but try to be prepared to advocate for yourself.

There are so many factors that play a role in determining the best course of action for your delivery. Plan out your ideal scenario, but have backup plans in case things don't go the way you had envisioned.

12. Navigate The Nesting Expectation With Care

You will be expected to “nest,” or go through a period of needing to prepare your home for your coming baby.

To Nest or Not to Nest?

For some, this need to nest will still happen and if it does, run with it. Do whatever you need to do to feel as calm and prepared as possible.

For others, the need to nest may not come. It never did for me. My denial was so strong, that need was never able to surface for me, and I was afraid to accumulate a bunch of baby items that would extend my heartbreak should the worst come to pass.

As a result, I did not have a nursery prepared, just an empty room that needed new carpet and a new coat of paint. And you know what, we did just fine.

Babies don't need their own room in the beginning, and they certainly don't need it to be perfectly decorated. That is not to say you shouldn't nest if you want to.

But for those of you worried about not feeling the need to nest, this is something it is ok to let go of. It will have no bearing on the health or wellness of your little rainbow.

Might Still Need Some Essentials

Now, nesting aside, there are still some important baby items you will need to be sure you have prepared before your little one makes their debut. You will need safety essentials like a car seat and daily essentials like diapers and feeding items.

Acquiring what you absolutely need and organizing it all can be really overwhelming for someone who has suffered a previous loss.

So, in an effort to tame some of the overwhelm and still end up as prepared as possible, try to only focus on the bare bones minimum items you will need in the first week or two of your rainbow baby's new life. You really can get the rest of it later (or not, you may be surprised by how little you truly need).

Be gentle with yourself as you go through this and acquire new items. Try to start this process a bit early to give yourself some time to take breaks. If it helps, and you have the space, see if storing these items in an out-of-sight place such as the future nursery or a closet will help you take breaks from the process.

13. Give Yourself Time to Create a Postpartum Plan

This is a tough one. If you are experiencing denial anywhere near as strong as mine, planning for a baby you don't believe you'll bring home is incredibly difficult. It is an important step in ensuring readiness though, so if it is hard to think about, leave yourself plenty of time. This way you'll be able to put it down and come back to it if you need to.

And, broken record time, having a mental health care provider to go through all of this with will really help. 

The Difficulty of Visualizing Your Future With a Baby

My denial was so strong, I was unable to plan for what a baby's needs might be, let alone my own. Logically, I knew that even if I didn't bring home a baby, I was far enough along that I would need some physical recovery time as well as emotional. So even if I didn't believe I would get to come home with a baby, I could have been planning for some of my needs.

There wasn't a whole lot of logic getting through my cycle of panic and denial though, and I didn't have a plan. 

I am lucky and I have an amazing support structure. They really got me through it. And the reality is that it is really hard to plan for something you have never experienced. 

But you are not alone and many women before you have stood right where you are now. And we can benefit from their experience. For example, more information about creating a postpartum plan can be found on the Mindful Roots Counselling website. Rebecca Reddin is a Perinatal Specialist, Counselling Psychologist, and mother. 

She has many great blog posts on her website, but the one linked above is all about postpartum planning and how to think ahead about things like getting enough rest, food, water, and movement to recover and thrive during this time.

Leave Yourself Some Room To Take It Slow

With both the planning and your postpartum recovery, take it slow. If you start planning early, you can put it down when you feel overwhelmed and come back to it later. And then you can try to plan out how you will also take it slow when you bring home that baby. 

How slow you are able to take it can really depend on where you are in the world and how much time you are given before you need to be back at work. But even if you do need to return to work quickly, there are other things you can take slowly. 

Give yourself permission to focus on your own recovery and bonding with your baby. This may mean saying no to visitors or delaying certain tasks until you feel ready.

When creating your postpartum plan, consider what kind of self-care activities you enjoy.

This may include taking a relaxing bath, going for a walk, a quiet cup of coffee or tea by yourself for a few minutes, or spending time with friends. Try to schedule time for these activities in your plan. There can be a lot of pressure around self-care these days, but self-care doesn't need to be something big. 

Even just thinking about when you will have time to take a shower can be helpful. When it was time for my husband to go back to work (I got more leave since I was the one physically recovering), we scheduled in when he would have time to shower and get ready for work. It wasn't until he was already back at work that we realized we hadn't thought about when I would have time for basic needs like showering.

It's the little things that can make you feel human again and thinking ahead about those kinds of things can be a big help.

Processing This New Possibility

You're pregnant! Your little rainbow is on his or her way. It is incredibly hard to leave room for this new possibility while your heart is so guarded from your previous experience(s).

Wear that armor. But, if at all possible, don't let that armor block out all of your hope.

If there's one takeaway from this post I hope you carry with you, it's that you are not alone. Many of us have walked this path and understand the labyrinth of emotions you're stumbling through.

Where possible, surround yourself with a supportive community, whether through loved ones, therapy, or online groups, and lean on them when the journey feels overwhelming.

Each step you take towards welcoming your rainbow baby is a testament to your strength. Allow yourself the grace to process your emotions on your own terms and timeline, and seek support when needed.

Every pregnancy experience is unique, and your path to becoming a rainbow parent is yours alone. Tune out the noise from ALL of the advice you will be getting (even mine if you need to), and listen to your own mind and body when it comes to making decisions during your pregnancy.

You are strong enough to have made it this far. You've got this, and you are not alone.

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