Understanding and Managing Emotional Disconnect in Rainbow Pregnancy

There is no one way to feel when you discover you're pregnant after a loss (I say this a lot because it is so true). A very high percentage of rainbow moms experience emotional disconnect in some form during their pregnancies.

In fact, research shows up to 60% of parents experience trauma responses after loss. Navigating our responses to that trauma when we discover a new pregnancy can lead to a pretty wild ride.

While some experience an overwhelming flood of emotions, others find themselves feeling nothing at all.

Either way, you're not alone.

Personally, I fall into the latter camp. I immediately shut down.

I used to think the shutdown happened as soon as I saw those two pink lines on the pregnancy test. But thinking back, I think it actually happened as soon as I realized my period was late.

After a year and a half of trying to move away from obsessively tracking my cycle, I had finally reached a place where I wasn't taking pregnancy tests every month to see if my symptoms were pregnancy or PMS.

Somehow, for the first time since my loss, I didn't mark down the date I should be expecting my period to start that month. I didn't notice when I slipped right by it.

I am not sure why. Maybe my body knew things I didn't and let me relax a little. Or maybe, since it was such an incredibly busy time at work, I was distracted.

But the moment I realized my period was late was, I think, the actual moment all of my walls went up.

I was in the middle of a work event and couldn't leave for a while. But to say I was distracted for the rest of it would be an understatement.

But as I look back on those moments, I can see that all of the noise in my head, those racing, churning thoughts, were masking the absolute silence of my emotional state.

So, if you are experiencing something similar, let's dig down into emotional disconnect and just how normal it is in the rainbow pregnancy journey.

And if you're looking for more guidance on navigating these early days and beyond, our related post 13 Top Tips for Navigating Your Rainbow Pregnancy offers practical tips and validation for each step of the way.

Understanding Emotional Disconnect

That emotional silence I experienced – that wall that goes up when you realize another pregnancy might be possible – isn't a sign that something is wrong with you or that you don't, won't, or can't love your baby enough.

It's your brain's way of protecting you from what it perceives as potential emotional danger.

Think of this emotional wall as your brain's version of bubble wrap – it's trying to protect you from getting hurt again. And you're not alone in this – research shows this is actually one of the most common trauma responses in pregnancy after loss.

If you would like to dig deeper before moving on with the rest of this article, here are the articles I cite in this post about trauma and our responses to it:
The Trauma of Perinatal Loss: A Scoping Review
Pregnancy Loss May Affect Mood in Subsequent Pregnancies
Understanding the Impact of Trauma
The Neurobiology of Trauma

What Does Emotional Disconnect Feel Like?

Just as my experience involved a stark contrast between racing thoughts and emotional silence, emotional disconnect in pregnancy after loss can show itself in a lot of different ways.

Sometimes it feels like a complete shutdown. Other times, it might feel like being trapped behind a glass wall – able to see and think about everything happening but unable to emotionally connect with any of it.

Here are some common ways this disconnect can show up:

• Complete emotional shutdown: feeling disconnected from both positive and negative emotions, that silence I described earlier
  
  
• Selective numbness: able to feel anxiety or fear but unable to access joy or excitement (I bounced back and forth between the complete shutdown and this)
  
  
• Physical disconnection: difficulty acknowledging or connecting with physical pregnancy symptoms
  
  
• Practical paralysis: unable to plan or prepare for baby's arrival, sometimes even unable to mark down important dates on the calendar (something I really struggled with)

I want to mention that there may also be times you experience the opposite and suddenly be feeling every feel all at once in an overwhelming avalanche. Or a hyperfocus on one feel (such as anxiety) that overshadows all other possible emotions (that selective numbness mentioned above). Or some other combination of feeling and unfeeling.
For this article, we will keep the focus to emotional disconnect but I just wanted to acknowledge that it is not the only possibility and it is perfectly alright if you are not feeling this way.

If you're experiencing any of these manifestations of emotional disconnect, you might wonder why your brain and body are responding this way.

Or maybe you're questioning why you can't just “feel happy” about this pregnancy like everyone expects you to. Understanding the science behind these responses can help us be gentler with ourselves during this complex journey.

Why Does It Happen?

When you've experienced a trauma such as pregnancy or infant loss, your brain develops protective mechanisms to guard against future pain.

According to Dr. Arielle Schwartz's work on trauma neurobiology, that emotional response (or lack thereof) you're experiencing isn't random – it's actually your body's natural response to protect you from potential trauma.

Think of it like your brain installing a very sophisticated security system. This system involves something called your autonomic nervous system (ANS), which has two main parts:

• Your sympathetic nervous system: the “alert” system that gets you ready for action
  
  
• Your parasympathetic nervous system: the “brake” system that can either help you relax or, in cases of overwhelming emotion, cause you to shut down

When you've experienced a previous loss, your brain remembers. Now, faced with another pregnancy, it might engage that “brake” system as a protective measure. This is why you might experience:

• Emotional numbness (that silence I described earlier)
• Difficulty connecting with the pregnancy
• Trouble making decisions or plans
• A sense of being “frozen” or “stuck”

Sometimes, you might even find yourself cycling between feeling overwhelmed with anxiety (sympathetic nervous system) and feeling completely numb (parasympathetic nervous system). This is your brain trying to find balance while keeping you safe.

The most important thing to understand is that this response is not a choice you're making – it's your brain's automatic protection system at work.

You're not doing anything wrong, and you're not failing at pregnancy after loss. Your body is doing exactly what it's designed to do to help you survive a potentially overwhelming experience.

Understanding why your brain is protecting you in this way is helpful – but let's be honest, knowing why doesn't necessarily make it easier to deal with, does it?

But before we get to the practical strategies that might help you navigate this experience, let's explore how this emotional disconnection tends to show up throughout pregnancy.

The Evolution of Disconnect Through Rainbow Pregnancy

That initial numbness that comes with discovering your pregnancy often evolves as your journey continues. Understanding these changes can help you navigate them with more self-compassion.

Early Pregnancy

So what does this protective response actually look like in those early weeks? For me, it showed up as an inability to even mark dates on my calendar – like my brain was saying ‘if we don't acknowledge it, we can't get hurt again.'

Maybe you're finding yourself:

• Taking pregnancy tests but feeling disconnected from the results
  
  
• Going through the motions of early appointments while feeling like you're watching someone else's life
  
  
• Unable to let yourself think beyond the next hour, let alone the next week
  
  
• Feeling guilty because you “should” be excited

That last one? It's especially common. But here's the thing – there is no “should” in pregnancy after loss.

And just like every rainbow pregnancy is unique, this emotional distance might show up differently for you.

The key is recognizing that whatever you're experiencing right now is valid – whether it's complete emotional silence, waves of anxiety interrupted by numbness, or something entirely different.

This period can be particularly challenging as you navigate early appointments and milestones. The mental noise might increase while the emotional wall stays firmly in place.

Middle Pregnancy

By the time you reach your second trimester, you might notice a general expectation around you to start celebrating that “you made it!”

You may hear people talk about the ‘safe period' after 12 weeks and express confusion when you aren't suddenly jumping for joy.

But that's a complicated concept for those of us who've experienced loss. Research shows that trauma responses like emotional disconnect or numbness can actually intensify during these traditional ‘milestone' moments.

One study (cited in The Trauma of Perinatal Loss: A Scoping Review linked above) found that up to 44% of women continue experiencing these trauma responses even four years after their loss – so feeling unsafe during the ‘safe period' makes a lot of sense.

Maybe you're:

• Looking at your growing belly in the mirror but feeling like it belongs to someone else
  
  
• Finally feeling those first flutters of movement but struggling to connect with what that means
  
  
• Watching the nursery paint samples pile up while feeling completely unable to make a decision
  
  
• Wrestling with guilt because everyone expects you to be ‘glowing' now

If any of this sounds familiar, you're not alone. This isn't a sign that something's wrong – it's your brain continuing to process a very real trauma in the way it knows how.

Late Pregnancy

The third trimester brings its own unique flavor of complicated. That emotional numbness? It might start bumping up against some very real, very practical needs.

The reality of impending birth has a way of demanding attention, even when part of you is still firmly committed to emotional distance.

Remember how I mentioned my own struggle with even marking dates on the calendar? Now imagine trying to pack a hospital bag or write a birth plan when part of your brain is still saying ‘nope, not thinking about this yet!'

You might find yourself:

• Staring at an empty hospital bag, knowing you need to pack it but feeling completely unable to start
  
  
• Nodding along in birthing classes while feeling oddly detached
  
  
• Getting through the motions of birth plan discussions without feeling connected to any of it
  
  
• Watching your support people get increasingly excited while you feel increasingly numb

This clash between practical necessities and emotional protection can feel overwhelming. You're not alone if you're thinking ‘I know I should be doing this, but I just… can't.'

That hesitation? It's your brain still trying to keep you safe, even as your body moves steadily toward birth.

The tricky part is that unlike earlier in pregnancy, there are now some things that really do need your attention.

And now that we've covered what experiencing emotional disconnect might look like, let's talk more about how to navigate that balance between protection and preparation.

Managing Common Challenges

Remember that mental noise I mentioned earlier? The racing thoughts that mask the emotional silence?

That noise has a way of getting louder when we're faced with certain situations that are just part of pregnancy – like medical appointments, well-meaning friends and family, or planning for baby's arrival.

Let's talk about how to navigate these challenges while honoring where you are emotionally.

Healthcare Provider Relationships

Medical appointments often highlight the contrast between our need for information and our emotional distance. You might find yourself armed with pages of carefully researched questions while feeling strangely detached from the whole experience.

Or maybe you were unable to prepare ahead of the appointment (whether you wanted to or not) and find yourself either taking copious notes so you don't forget a single thing your doctor said or silently panicking about not having a pen to take said notes.

Or maybe it is a combination of the two or none of the above. Denial and emotional disconnect show up in a lot of different ways.

And that is why the right healthcare provider, one who understands the roller coaster you're on, can make a profound difference in how supported you feel during this journey.

Look for providers who:

• Validate your emotional response (or lack thereof)
  
  
• Respect your need for extra reassurance
  
  
• Understand the impact of previous loss
  
  
• Support you without pressure to feel differently
  
  
• Can handle both your detailed questions and your emotional distance

Sometimes, this means trying more than one provider before finding the right fit. For more guidance on finding a provider who understands the unique needs of rainbow pregnancy, see our related post on
Choosing the Right Healthcare Provider for Your Rainbow Pregnancy.

Family and Friend Expectations

Well-meaning friends and family often have specific ideas about how a pregnant person “should” feel and act. These expectations can feel particularly heavy when you're experiencing emotional disconnect or numbness.

You might find yourself navigating others' excitement while feeling disconnected from your own emotions, or fielding suggestions about “just being happy” when your brain is still in protective mode.

Managing these relationships might involve:

• Setting clear boundaries about discussing your pregnancy
  
  
• Asking close family members to educate themselves about trauma responses (educating them yourself is not something you need to take on right now)
  
  
• Protecting your right to feel (or not feel) however you need to

This disconnect between others' expectations and your experience is normal and valid. But it is not your job to manage that disconnect all on your own. And you don't need to explain yourself to anyone unless you want to.

For more detailed guidance on handling these conversations and deciding who to tell and when, see our related post on
Announcing Your Rainbow Pregnancy: If, Who, When, and How.

Processing at Your Own Pace

Remember how I mentioned that shutdown happened even before I saw those two pink lines? That's because our bodies and minds often know what we need before we consciously understand it.

I knew. In my very bones, I knew I was pregnant. But my mind was trying to protect me from the pain of another negative test. From the fear of another possible loss.

There is no timeline for when or how you “should” feel connected to your pregnancy. Every journey is unique, and trying to force emotions has the potential to do more harm than good.

Some gentle ways to stay present without forcing emotions include:

• Acknowledging your current state without judgment – whether that's racing thoughts, emotional silence, or both
  
  
• Taking small steps in pregnancy preparation when you feel ready
  
  
• Allowing yourself to experience moments of hope when they come naturally
  
  
• Recognizing that protection and love can coexist
  
  
• Understanding that numbness itself is a valid response

If you'd like some structure for processing these complex emotions at your own pace, our first-trimester journal provides a safe space to explore your feelings, track your progress, and connect with both your rainbow and angel babies through guided prompts and letter-writing pages:

Professional Support Options

If you find yourself struggling with the disconnect between what you “should” feel and what you actually feel, professional support can help.

A therapist who understands trauma and pregnancy after loss can provide valuable guidance while respecting your need for emotional safety.

You might find that having professional guidance helps you understand and work with your body's protective responses. I wish I had reached out for support much earlier than I did.

Here are some resources for finding pregnancy-loss-informed care:

• Postpartum Support International – Provider directory searchable by location and specialty
• Psychology Today Therapist Finder – Filter by insurance and specialization
• Mental Health Match – Matching platform for finding specialized care

Look for providers who:

• Have experience with pregnancy loss and trauma
  
  
• Understand the complexity of rainbow pregnancy
  
  
• Won't push you to feel differently than you do
  
  
• Can help you navigate both the mental noise and emotional silence

If you're wondering whether professional support might help you navigate these complex emotions, our related post on When to Seek Counseling During a Rainbow Pregnancy can help you make that decision.

Remember that seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. However, if you're not ready for professional support, that's okay too. Trust yourself to know what you need and when you need it.

Understanding and Accepting Your Emotional Response

That contrast between racing thoughts and emotional silence I experienced at the start of my rainbow pregnancy journey is just one way that emotional disconnect can manifest during pregnancy after loss.

Whether you're feeling everything, nothing, or somewhere in between, your feelings are valid and there is space here in this community for all of it. The research is clear – up to 60% of parents experience trauma responses after loss.

Emotional disconnect, distance, or numbness are not reflections of your love for your baby or your capacity to parent. It's your brain doing its best to protect you on a difficult journey.

Be gentle with yourself as you walk this path, and remember that protecting your heart might just be the one thing that allows you to keep moving forward.

I see you. I've been there. You're not broken, and you're not alone.

Before you go, I want to reiterate VERY CLEARLY that I am neither a Medical Health Care Provider nor a Mental Health Care Provider. Nothing I have written here should be taken as medical advice. PLEASE seek help from a professional if you have any questions or concerns about your pregnancy or your emotional state.