When Rainbow Pregnancy Support Isn’t Supportive

Pregnancy after loss is hard. Full stop. So what we really don’t need on top of how hard it already is is someone telling us how we should be handling it all.

Maybe someone pushes you to “just be excited.” Perhaps they dismiss your previous loss or try to fix feelings that aren’t meant to be fixed. Or maybe they’re so uncomfortable with your complex emotions that they create even more distance when you need connection most.

When I finally started letting a few people in during my rainbow pregnancy, not everyone knew how to handle what I now understand was denial.

Some pushed for more engagement than I could manage. Others seemed uncomfortable with my inability to celebrate. Most simply didn’t understand why I couldn’t “just be happy” about something I had wanted so desperately.

If you’re finding yourself hurt or drained by responses that don’t honor where you are – whether that’s feeling nothing, feeling everything, or somewhere in between – you’re not alone. Let’s talk about navigating these challenging dynamics while protecting your heart.

When Support Gets Complicated

In my experience, people rarely know what to do with someone else’s grief. They feel this pressure to fill any silence with advice or the kindest words they can come up with on the fly.

But those things they think of off the cuff, under all that pressure, don’t usually add up to being very helpful. And often, they end up being more harmful than anything else.

When you layer the hope and the grief together—like we do in rainbow pregnancy—people tend to grab onto the hope aspect and dismiss the rest because it’s easier to deal with.

“At least you’re pregnant again!” becomes their comfort blanket while you’re still trying to process complicated emotions that don’t fit neatly into boxes.

This disconnection between what others expect and what we actually need makes support so complicated during pregnancy after loss.

People offer what they think should help, but they don’t understand that we’re not experiencing a “normal” pregnancy. We’re navigating something much more complex, with needs that might change day to day or even hour to hour.

This complexity shows up differently for everyone. Maybe you’re finding yourself:

• Building higher walls around your heart this time
• Feeling weirdly uncomfortable with people who supported you before
• Overwhelmed by the same kind of help that worked after your loss
• Dealing with family members who focus exclusively on the “happy news”
• Needing a completely different kind of support than you needed before

The reality is that pregnancy after loss creates this impossible balancing act—for us and for those trying to support us. And sometimes, the people we counted on most just don’t know how to walk this particular tightrope with us.

And we, ourselves, are not expert tightrope walkers (pardon me to any of you who are). I had absolutely NO IDEA what I needed during my rainbow pregnancy.

So I created this free quiz to help you get to the bottom of what good support looks like to you:

Types of Unsupportive Responses

There are several types of responses you may encounter (or perhaps already have) from well-meaning folks (and a few who tell themselves they are well-meaning but really aren’t).

Like emotional sandpaper against your already tender heart, these will leave you feeling worse instead of better. Understanding these common reactions can help you feel less alone when encountering them and more prepared to protect your peace (and we will talk about coping and boundary setting below).

Toxic Positivity

Maybe you’ve heard some version of: “Just focus on being happy!” “Everything happens for a reason!” “Isn’t this what you wanted?”

These attempts to push away difficult emotions often come from a well-meaning place. But they can leave you feeling unseen in your complex reality – where grief and hope might exist side by side, or where protective numbness might be your mind’s way of keeping you safe.

For more on the real harm of toxic positivity, this article breaks down how seemingly kind phrases can quietly silence grief.

Minimizing Previous Loss

Others might try to diminish your previous loss: “Well, it was early…” “At least you know you can get pregnant…” “You need to move on now…”

These responses often reflect others’ discomfort with grief more than any truth about your experience. They are dismissing something that changed your entire world and that is on them.

Your loss, and how you feel about it, matters, regardless of when it happened or what anyone else thinks about it.

The Advice Avalanche

Sometimes support arrives as an endless stream of suggestions – everything from relaxation techniques to special diets to horror stories about their cousin’s neighbor’s experience (suuuuuper helpful).

While advice might come from a caring place, it can feel overwhelming when you’re already carrying so much.

I remember nodding through these conversations while thinking, “I don’t need you to fix me.” Sometimes a quiet presence is worth more than a thousand suggestions.

The Helicopter Supporter

Some people respond to pregnancy after loss with intense monitoring:

• Constant check-ins about your feelings
• Excessive questions about medical appointments
• Pressure to share more than feels comfortable
• Insistence on being involved in every decision

This kind of hovering support, though well-intentioned, can feel suffocating when you’re trying to navigate your own complex emotions.

Sometimes we really just need that protective withdrawal, that emotional break from the turmoil, and it is not helpful to have someone constantly dragging you out of it.

The Dismissers

Then there are those who seem unable to acknowledge the complexity of your experience: “Why aren’t you excited?” “Too much anxiety is bad for the baby.” “Everything is going to work out just as it’s supposed to; try not to think about it.”

These responses can feel especially isolating, making you question your very valid feelings and needs. This is another them problem, they are uncomfortable with your complex emotions and hope to move you past them as quickly as possible.

Religious or Spiritual Insensitivity

Some might offer religious or spiritual perspectives that, while meaningful to them, might feel hurtful to you: “It’s all part of God’s plan…” “Your angel baby wanted you to have this one…” “Everything happens for a reason…”

Even if you hold religious or spiritual beliefs, having them imposed during such a tender time can feel invalidating of your personal experience.

If any of these responses sound familiar, please know that your feelings about them are valid. It’s okay to need something different from what others are offering. Let’s talk about how to set boundaries that protect your heart while preserving relationships that matter to you.

Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Looking back now, I can see that my denial during rainbow pregnancy wasn’t a failure but a protection. But I didn’t understand that at the time. I just knew I was struggling – with support, with engagement, with almost everything pregnancy-related – and I felt guilty about all of it.

It wasn’t until much later that I began to understand these responses were my way of creating safety in an inherently uncertain time. If I had known then what I know now, I might have been gentler with myself about needing distance or struggling to engage.

Maybe you’re finding yourself in a similar space right now – realizing that some of the support being offered doesn’t quite fit where you are.

Or maybe, like I was, you’re just trying to survive each day and haven’t had the capacity to think about what kind of support might actually help. Both experiences (and anything else) are valid.

Let’s talk about how to honor those protective instincts while maintaining relationships that matter to you – whether you’re ready to set boundaries now or just trying to understand why certain kinds of support feel overwhelming.

Identifying Your Boundary Needs

Before we can communicate boundaries to others, it helps to understand what we need. Sometimes in pregnancy after loss, these needs might surprise us. You might find yourself:

• Needing more space from previously close relationships
• Feeling overwhelmed by well-meaning check-ins
• Unable to handle certain types of conversations
• Requiring more privacy than you expected
• Discovering new triggers that need gentle protection

All of these needs are valid. They’re not signs of being ungrateful or difficult – they’re your heart telling you what it needs to feel safe.

Communication Strategies That Honor Both Hearts

When someone’s support doesn’t feel supportive, it’s often because they care but don’t know how to show it in ways that actually help. Here are some gentle ways to redirect their care:

“I know you’re excited to help, and I appreciate that so much. Right now, what I need most is…”

“I’m finding some conversations overwhelming right now. Could we instead…”

“I feel [impact] when [specific action happens]. What would help me feel safer is…”

“I might need to step back sometimes. It’s not about you – it’s about protecting my heart right now.”

If you’re finding it hard to express what’s helpful and what’s not, these strategies for handling toxic positivity offer even more scripts for making space for your truth.

Example Scripts for Different Situations

For Unwanted Advice: “Thank you for thinking of me. Right now I’m following my healthcare team’s guidance and need to focus on that.”

For Excessive Positivity: “I know you want me to feel hopeful, and I appreciate that. But I need space to feel all my feelings, even the hard ones.”

For Over-involvement: “I’m trying to take things one day at a time. Could you help me by [specific action] instead of [overwhelming behavior]?”

For Dismissive Responses: “My feelings might be complex, but they’re valid. I need you to respect where I am, even if it’s hard to understand.”

For more tips and scripts for setting and holding boundaries in rainbow pregnancy, see:

➡️ Setting Boundaries in Your Rainbow Pregnancy Support System
➡️ When Rainbow Pregnancy Support Gets Complicated: A Boundaries Troubleshooting Guide
➡️ Managing Unwanted and Pushy Support During Rainbow Pregnancy

Partner and Support Person Involvement

Sometimes having a trusted support person help buffer difficult interactions can make boundary-setting feel safer. This might look like:

• Having your partner handle certain conversations
• Letting a close friend run interference with well-meaning but overwhelming relatives
• Working with a therapist to develop personalized boundary scripts
• Creating a signal with your primary support person for when you need rescue from overwhelming situations

The goal isn’t to build walls, but to create the emotional safety you need during this tender time. Let’s talk about how to recognize when it might be time to step back from certain relationships entirely.

When to Step Back

Sometimes, despite our best efforts to communicate our needs, certain relationships just don’t provide the support we need during pregnancy after loss. While it’s possible to help some people learn to support us better, it’s also okay to recognize when a support relationship isn’t working.

I spent so much energy during my rainbow pregnancy trying to manage other people’s feelings about my inability to engage.

Looking back now, I can see that energy could have been better spent taking care of myself. But in the moment, it’s not always clear when managing a relationship is costing more than it’s giving.

Signs a Support Relationship Might Not Be Working

You might notice:

• Feeling exhausted after every interaction
• Spending more time explaining your needs than receiving support
• Consistently having to defend or justify your feelings
• Finding yourself editing your experience to make others comfortable
• Dreading certain conversations or check-ins
• Feeling worse, not better, after connecting

These aren’t signs of failure – they’re valuable information about what you need right now. And sometimes what you need is permission to step back.

Permission to Create Distance

Let me say this very clearly: You don’t need to:

• Keep explaining your needs repeatedly
• Manage someone else’s emotional response to your pregnancy
• Train people to support you appropriately
• Maintain relationships that drain rather than sustain you

The energy it takes to continuously try to make a support relationship work – to explain, to guide, to manage – is energy you need for yourself right now. Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do for yourself is to step back from relationships that require too much emotional labor.

Managing Guilt About Boundaries

One of the hardest parts about creating distance is managing the guilt that often comes with it. You might find yourself thinking:

• “But they’re just trying to help…”
• “Maybe if I explained it differently…”
• “I should be able to handle this…”
• “What if I need them later…”

These thoughts are normal, but they don’t mean you’re making the wrong choice. A small, truly supportive circle is far more valuable than a larger network that requires constant management.

Strategies for Gradual Withdrawal

Sometimes an abrupt step back isn’t necessary or possible. Here are some gentler ways to create distance:

• Take longer to respond to messages
• Let calls go to voicemail sometimes
• Share less detailed information
• Have a support person buffer communications
• Blame tiredness or medical guidance for needed space

The goal isn’t to burn bridges but to protect your limited emotional energy during this sensitive time.

Protecting Your Emotional Safety

Creating distance from unsupportive relationships isn’t about punishment – it’s about protection. Your energy is precious during this time. Spending it on trying to make unsupportive relationships work isn’t something you have to do.

Finding Alternative Support

When support relationships aren’t working, it’s easy to feel increasingly isolated. I remember how lonely it felt when some relationships that had been supportive during my loss struggled to handle the complex emotions of my rainbow pregnancy.

What I didn’t understand then – but see so clearly now – is that sometimes making space by stepping back from draining relationships actually opens the door for finding support that truly fits where we are.

Professional Support Options

Sometimes the safest first step is working with someone who is trained to understand the complexity of pregnancy after loss. A professional support person can offer:

• Space to process without managing others’ emotions
• Validation of all your feelings, even the ones that feel confusing
• Tools for handling challenging relationships
• Guidance for protecting your emotional well-being

If you’re not sure where to start, this guide on support while pregnant after loss offers gentle tools and peer insights that align beautifully with the emotional care discussed here.

If you think counseling could be worth a shot (spoiler alert, I think it is), see
When to Seek Therapy During a Rainbow Pregnancy.

Community Resources

There’s something uniquely comforting about connecting with others who truly understand this journey. While close friends and family might struggle to grasp the complexity of your experience, support communities often get it without explanation:

• Pregnancy after loss support groups
• Online communities for rainbow parents
• Hospital-based loss support programs
• Rainbow pregnancy workshops or classes

These spaces often understand inherently that hope and fear can coexist, that joy doesn’t erase grief, and that all your feelings are valid.

Online Support Groups

While online support isn’t quite the same as in-person connection (sometimes a pro, sometimes a con), it can offer unique benefits during pregnancy after loss:

• Access to support any time of day
• Privacy to process emotions at your own pace
• Connection with others who understand
• Freedom to engage or step back as needed

Consider joining our private Facebook group where you’ll find others walking this same path:

Partner Support Strategies

Sometimes, when other support relationships become challenging, it puts extra pressure on our partner relationships. This might be a good time to:

• Have open discussions about both your support needs
• Work together to create protective boundaries
• Consider couples counseling for added support
• Find ways to support each other through difficult interactions

This advice is intended for couples in healthy, safe relationships. If you are in an unsafe or abusive relationship, please seek professional help before doing anything else. Your safety is the highest priority.

For more guidance on navigating partner support during rainbow pregnancy, see our post on Telling Your Partner About Your Rainbow Pregnancy.

Building New Connections

When you’re ready – and only when you’re ready – you might consider building new connections that honor where you are now. This could look like:

• Joining pregnancy after loss support groups
• Connecting with understanding healthcare providers
• Finding friends who can hold space for complexity
• Creating relationships that start with full understanding of your journey

New connections don’t have to replace old ones. They’re simply adding to your support network in ways that feel safer for where you are now.

Support that Works for You

Whatever your support journey looks like right now – whether you’re stepping back from certain relationships, building new ones, or somewhere in between – know that you’re not alone.

Every parent walking the path of pregnancy after loss has to navigate these complex waters of support and understanding.

Your journey might look different from mine or from anyone else’s. The support that feels right to you might not match what others need or expect.

That’s okay. What matters isn’t matching some ideal of what support “should” look like – it’s finding what helps you feel safe and sustained through this tender time.

If you’re looking for connection with others who understand this complex journey, consider joining our private Facebook group. You’ll find a community that understands the delicate balance of grief and hope, the need for both connection and protection, and the importance of honoring wherever you are in this journey.

Your feelings are valid. Your boundaries are important. And you deserve support that truly feels supportive.

Before you go, I want to reiterate VERY CLEARLY that I am neither a Medical Health Care Provider nor a Mental Health Care Provider. Nothing I have written here should be taken as medical advice. PLEASE seek help from a professional if you have any questions or concerns about your pregnancy or your emotional state.