Telling Your Partner About Your Rainbow Pregnancy

Ok, you're pregnant again and you hopefully have some renewed hope for the birth of a healthy baby. 

Or maybe you're like I was, terrified and a little shut down. I was too afraid to accept what I saw on that pregnancy test and start to hope. To start counting the months so I could visualize what time of year this new life might begin. To think about little baby fingers or that new baby smell. 

Possibly to block out some of those thoughts, mine turned pretty quickly toward telling my husband.

I considered a few cute and creative ways to tell him, but in the end, I just needed to come right out with it. I needed to be able to lean on him a little. I think I also hoped his reaction to the news might help inform mine, as I felt like I hadn't had my own reaction yet. 

I'd entered a weird state of denial and hoped he might be able to pull me out of it. But I also felt a sense of protectiveness. Should I tell him? What if the worst should happen again? Should I wait a while to tell him so he wouldn't get his hopes up?

There is a lot to navigate during a rainbow pregnancy and how and when to tell your partner is just one small piece of it. (For a full guide on rainbow pregnancy, see my other post: Top Tips For Navigating Your Rainbow Pregnancy.)

So let's talk a bit about how to approach this delicate moment with sensitivity, acknowledging both your feelings and the potential reactions of your partner.

I want to be clear, though, that while I feel it is important to be mindful of your partner's feelings, you're not responsible for managing their emotions.

Just because it is on you to inform your partner about the new possibilities ahead, and you will hopefully want to do that in whatever way suits you and your little family best, I am not saying, at any point, that you should be solely responsible for your partner's emotional well-being.

So let's explore some ways for you and your partner to create a supportive space for you both, as well as some ways you can get yourself and/or your partner some outside support. 

A Quick Disclaimer or Two

Before we move on I want to state VERY CLEARLY that I am neither a Medical Health Care Provider nor a Mental Health Care Provider. Nothing I write here should be taken as medical advice. I am simply here to share my own experiences in the hope it will help someone feel less alone, and possibly avoid some of the mistakes I made along the way.

If you have any questions or concerns about your pregnancy or your emotional state, PLEASE seek help from a professional.

Additionally, the advice in this blog post is intended for couples in healthy, safe relationships. If you are in an unsafe or abusive relationship, please seek professional help before doing anything else. Your safety is the highest priority.

If you need help, please see the following resources:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org for confidential support.
• Love Is Respect: 1-866-331-9474, text “LOVEIS” to 22522, or visit loveisrespect.org for resources and support on healthy relationships.
• Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN): 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit rainn.org for support and resources related to sexual violence.

These organizations provide confidential assistance and can help you find the support you need.

Some Emotional Dynamics of a Rainbow Baby Pregnancy

Discovering this pregnancy has undoubtedly been an emotional time for you. I would expect your partner to feel a wide range of emotions as well.

Their feelings may not all be the same as your own, so developing an understanding of how your reactions and subsequent emotions may differ will be a big step in the right direction.

And getting to the bottom of your own feelings is the first step toward that understanding. This awareness can help pave the way for open, honest, and supportive communication.

Mixed Emotions and Mental Health

I've said before in other posts, and I will say again here, there is no one right way to feel during this time.

You might feel joy and excitement at the prospect of this new possibility. But you may also experience a mix of fear, anxiety, hope, guilt, shame, elation, confusion, the list goes on.

It's also common to worry about the possibility of another loss, which, on top of everything else, can be emotionally exhausting.

For your mental health, recognizing these emotions is important. Here are a few steps to consider:

• Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel happy, scared, or even numb. Every feeling is valid.
  
  
• Seek Support: Talking to a therapist or joining a support group can provide comfort and guidance. Professional help can offer valuable insights on managing complex emotions. See When to Seek Therapy During A Rainbow Pregnancy for more guidance on seeking support.
  
  
• Communicate: Share your feelings with your partner. Or if you don't feel ready to tell your partner, talk to a trusted friend or family member or, cough, cough, a mental health counselor. Keeping your emotions bottled up can add to your stress.
  

Prioritizing your mental health during this period is such a big step toward preparing yourself for all of the possibilities this little miracle brings with it.

Previous Loss and Its Impact

Past pregnancy losses, like miscarriages or stillbirths, or past infant losses, leave a lasting impact. These events can definitely shape how you experience your current pregnancy.

You may find it hard to fully embrace the joy of this new chapter due to lingering grief and fear. That is certainly how it was for me. 

Here are just a few ways previous losses might influence your feelings:

• Heightened Anxiety: The fear of losing another pregnancy can be intense and persistent.
  
  
• Emotional Triggers: Milestones like the first ultrasound or hearing this baby's heartbeat can evoke memories of previous losses.
  
  
• Cautious Optimism: You might feel wary of getting too excited, as a protective measure against potential disappointment.
  

Finding ways to acknowledge these feelings and ways to cope with them is something I was not able to do. Research shows that past pregnancy loss can significantly increase stress and anxiety levels in subsequent pregnancies.

Seeking specialized support can make a difference. I really wish I would have reached out for help sooner.

Trying to understand your own feelings about it all may help you feel more prepared to share the news with your partner.  

But, as I stated earlier, I just came right out with it with my husband. I wanted to work through the discovery of all of these feelings together. As is the motto here, there is no one right way. Just try to move forward with what feels right to you.

Preparing to Share the News

If you are having trouble figuring out the how and when of sharing your news with your partner, there are several things you can consider that might make you feel more prepared.

It's important to approach this moment with care, ensuring that both you and your partner feel supported and understood.

As I've said, I just blurted it out at my first opportunity, but if that option doesn't feel quite right to you there are many more to choose from.

If you'd like some guidance on active listening and effective communication, see my friend's post on the Best Ways to Practice Active Listening in Your Relationship for Better Communication.

The When – Choosing the Right Time

If picking the right moment to share your pregnancy news with your partner feels daunting, here are some tips to help you choose the right time for your family:

• Consider Your Emotional State: Make sure you feel ready to share the news. It's okay to take a moment to gather your thoughts and emotions before the big reveal.
  
  
• Gauge Your Partner's Mood*: Assess your partner's current mood and stress levels. If you feel able to wait a bit, try to find a time when they are relaxed and not preoccupied with other worries.
  
  
• Find a Quiet Moment: Choose a time when you can have a private, uninterrupted conversation. This will allow for an intimate and meaningful discussion.
  
  
• Avoid High-Stress Times*: Steer clear of telling your partner during or right after stressful events or work commitments.
  
  
• *Factor in your partner's personality: You know your partner best. If tips 2 and 4 don't seem right for your partner, ignore them. If you think this kind of news could help take their mind off of some other worries, go for it.
  
  
• Consider How You Want to Share the News: The when will depend a bit on the how as well. If you want to plan a creative way to tell your partner, there may be some set-up you'll need to wait for.

The tips above will not be right for all of you. They are just a jumping-off point for you to think about as you consider how you want to move forward. 

For more detailed advice on timing, visit Pregnancy After Loss Support.

The How – Creative Ways to Tell Your Partner (if you want to)

There are many thoughtful and unique ways to announce your rainbow pregnancy to your partner. If you're like me and just need your partner to be in the know with you, do it that way.

The ideas listed below are not meant to pressure anyone who just wants to blurt it into waiting, but rather a means to support anyone who does decide they want to take it slow and celebrate a bit. 

If you decide to wait a bit and plan a cute way to share the good news, here are a few ideas to get you started:

• Special Dinner: Prepare a special meal and an intimate setting so you can really connect with your partner as you tell them. You could take it a step further and incorporate rainbow colors into the dishes or top it off with a dessert that reveals the news, like a cake with rainbow-colored filling.
  
  
• Personalized Gifts: Give your partner a gift that hints at the pregnancy, like a customized onesie with a rainbow theme or a framed ultrasound picture.
  
  
• Photo Album: Create a photo album that ends with a picture of the positive pregnancy test or an ultrasound image.
  
  
• Scrapbook: Make a scrapbook that includes memories of your journey together and ends with the announcement of your rainbow baby.
  
  
• Surprise Message: Write a heartfelt message on a card or a letter, and place it somewhere your partner will find it, like their lunchbox or briefcase. Or if you want it to be somewhere you can see them read it, put it by wherever they leave their keys when they get home, or near the refrigerator, or somewhere you know they will see it and you will be able to see them.
  
  
• Rainbow-Themed Surprise: Decorate a room with rainbow balloons and confetti, revealing the pregnancy in a vibrant and joyous way.
  
  
• Video Message: Record a video message where you share your feelings and the exciting news, and then watch it together.

For more inspiration on creative announcements, check out this plethora of ideas you can make your own.

Choosing the right moment and method to share your rainbow pregnancy news can make this significant event even more special.

But as long as you are creating a supportive and loving environment for both you and your partner, the when and how really don't matter as much.

Navigating Your Partner's Reaction

Just as you are, and will be, navigating some emotional ups and downs, your partner has their own to traverse as well.

Now that you've read about how to explore your own feelings, and considered when and how to share your news, let's talk a bit about preparing for your partner's reaction.

Allowing Space for Their Emotions

I think a big part of this whole process is preparing to give your partner some time and space to process their feelings as they learn about this new possibility.

They might feel joy mixed with anxiety and even guilt, among many possible others. Everyone processes news differently and at their own pace. If you needed some time to process before telling your partner, grant them the time they might need.

Why Is This Important?

Allowing space for emotions helps to:

• Validate their feelings: Just as you have mixed emotions, your partner might too. Validating these feelings can help them feel understood.
  
  
• Prevent overwhelming them: Immediate reactions might be strong. Giving them space can help manage these emotions without causing a rift.
  
  
• Let them be more honest with themselves and then you: Some partners may go straight into protection mode and be very careful with their own feelings to avoid adding to your own. If they don't want you to see their anxiety, they may suppress it and isolate themselves a bit. If they have some time to process and get to the bottom of what they are feeling, they may be more likely to share that with you.

How to Allow Space

• Be Patient: Understand that their initial reaction might not be their final one. Give them time.
  
  
• Listen Actively: Sometimes, just listening can be more helpful than offering solutions. Let them express their feelings without interruption.
  
  
• Avoid Pressure: Don’t pressure them to feel a certain way. Emotions are deeply personal and can’t be forced

How to Connect

• Come back together after some time to process: Once you've both had a little time, compare notes, talk through the feelings you've discovered.
  
  
• Discuss your needs: You are (hopefully) a major part of each other's support structure. Now that each of you has hopefully had a chance to explore some of your feelings (probably not all, there are likely more coming), it would be good to go over what you need from one another and which of those needs could use some outside support.
  
  
• Consider expert advice: It is possible that one or both of you will end up feeling solely responsible for your partner's emotional well-being while trying to navigate your own. If either or both of you is struggling, it's best to bring in some outside help. I strongly recommend mental health counseling, either individually or together.

Your partner might not need or want space. They may want to process everything together. If that also feels better to you, go for it.

Offer the space, but you don't need to push it if that's not what they want. If you suspect they may not want any space, but you need some for yourself, take that time before you tell them or communicate to them that you need some space of your own.

Encouraging Open Communication

A cornerstone of any healthy relationship is open communication. In the context of a rainbow pregnancy, it’s even more important. Honest conversations build trust and a stronger emotional connection, which you’ll both need now more than ever.

Here are some strategies to foster open dialogue:

• Schedule Regular Check-ins: Set aside specific times to talk about your feelings and concerns. This can prevent small issues from becoming big problems.
  
  
• Use “I” Statements: Speak from your own perspective to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel anxious about the pregnancy” rather than “You don’t seem to care”.
  
  
• Be Honest and Vulnerable: Share your true feelings even if they make you feel vulnerable. It can encourage your partner to do the same.
  
  
• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage your partner to share by asking questions that require more than a yes or no answer.

Together, you can create a supportive environment that will help both of you navigate the complex journey of a rainbow pregnancy. This compassionate approach ensures that you’re both heard, understood, and supported every step of the way.

Building a Support System Together

This rainbow pregnancy journey is a marathon, not a sprint. Being on such an emotional rollercoaster for a prolonged period of time can be exhausting, especially if you are trying to do it alone.

Building a support system with your partner may be good for both of you. By involving close friends and family and seeking professional guidance, you can create a network of care that can provide comfort and strength.

Now, this will only be true if the people around you are actually supportive. And just because you may want to tell a few people, it does not mean you need to announce it to everyone you know. You can be as choosy as you'd like here.

Involving Close Friends and Family

Sharing your rainbow pregnancy news with close friends and family can be incredibly beneficial. However, it can also be overwhelming if they have big reactions while you are still working out how you feel about it.

Consider whether you want to tell people one-on-one so you can maintain some calm and possibly work through some of your feelings with them, or if you would rather only tell your close network once and tell them together.

My husband and I decided we wanted to tell our closest friends and our immediate families. We would need to lean on them should the worst happen again. 

We did not want to make a big announcement, but it was fine with us if anyone we told wanted to share the news. It didn't need to be a secret, but I didn't want to be a part of announcing good news, or bad. And I didn't feel prepared to see a whole bunch of different reactions from people.

I knew some would jump for joy, a feeling I hadn't been able to find yet, or look at us with worry and pity, feelings I had enough of all on my own.

If you are on the fence about bringing a few trusted people into your support circle, here are some advantages of involving them:

• Emotional Support: Friends and family can provide a comforting presence, offering words of encouragement and a listening ear when you need it most.
  
  
• Practical Help: They can assist with day-to-day tasks or emergencies, making life a bit easier as you navigate this complex emotional period.
  
  
• Shared Joy: While someone expressing intense joy may be overwhelming, if your trusted supporters know you need a calmer version, it is possible they may be able to gently help you find some of your own joy as you anticipate your miracle.

See my related post for a deeper dive on Announcing Your Rainbow Pregnancy.

Seeking Professional Guidance

Now, if you've been paying attention, you know my stance on seeking professional guidance.

Involving healthcare providers and possibly joining a support group can make a significant difference. These professionals bring expertise and structure to your prenatal care, ensuring you and your baby are well looked after. Here’s why it's important:

• Medical Support: Regular check-ups with a trusted healthcare provider to monitor your baby’s development and your health, can catch any concerns early. They can offer tailored advice and reassurance.
  
  
• Mental Health: A mental health professional can help you navigate the many complex emotions of a rainbow pregnancy and your previous loss. Counseling or therapy can provide a safe space to work through your fears and safely express your hopes.
  
  
• Support Groups: Joining a support group for those who have experienced pregnancy loss connects you with others who understand your journey. Sharing stories and advice can be incredibly healing and empowering.

By building a robust support system with your partner, involving close friends and family, and seeking professional guidance, you'll create a strong foundation for navigating your rainbow pregnancy.

This network can help you both feel supported and understood, making this journey just a little less daunting, and taking a little of the pressure off of feeling like you are your partner's only support while also trying to work through your own emotions.

Moving Forward As a Team

Telling your partner about your rainbow pregnancy is a significant and emotional step. Recognizing that both of you may experience a range of emotions will help you approach this moment with compassion and understanding while also making sure you get the support you need.

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel, and it's okay to seek support from friends, family, or professionals.

Creating a supportive environment where both you and your partner can express your feelings openly will allow space for each other's emotions without feeling responsible for managing them. This journey is about mutual support and understanding, helping each other navigate the highs and lows of a rainbow pregnancy.

By acknowledging your emotions, communicating openly, and building a strong support system, you can move forward together with hope and resilience. As you work toward embracing this new chapter, know that you are not alone.

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