Emotional Response Patterns in Rainbow Pregnancy: Why You Feel the Way You Do

There’s something about pregnancy after loss that is hard to understand if you have never experienced it before – how our hearts and minds find different ways to protect us through this complex journey.

Maybe you’ve noticed yourself completely unable to look at baby items. Or maybe you’re on the other side of the spectrum and constantly researching every possible preparation detail.

Or perhaps you find yourself bouncing between these extremes, intensely planning one day and unable to think about pregnancy the next.

Looking back at my own rainbow pregnancy, I can see how deeply my mind tried to protect me through denial and disconnection.

At the time, I couldn’t understand why I was having such a hard time with what seemed like simple tasks – why I couldn’t write appointments in my calendar or look at the tiny elephant pajamas my mom bought.

It wasn’t until much later that I understood these weren’t failures or signs something was wrong – they were my brain’s way of creating safety in an inherently uncertain time.

Understanding these responses can help make sense of reactions that might otherwise feel confusing or wrong. Whether you’re:

• Finding yourself unable to engage with pregnancy
• Feeling driven to control every detail
• Bouncing between these responses
• Experiencing something unique to you

Your response makes sense. It’s your mind and heart working together to protect you the best way they know how.

Let’s talk about why these patterns develop and what they might mean for you.

The Science Behind Our Responses

The stuff they say about hindsight making everything clearer is all true. I didn’t understand why I felt the way I did (not that I was really trying to, shutdown is pretty all-consuming).

It wasn’t until much later (through therapy and honestly, research for this blog) that I learned how profoundly pregnancy loss can reshape how our brain’s protective systems respond.

Your autonomic nervous system is like your body’s built-in security system. It’s always been there, keeping you safe in all sorts of situations.

But after experiencing a profound loss, this system becomes reprogrammed, like security software that’s been updated to be much more sensitive to certain triggers. Not because there’s something wrong with you, but because your brain is working overtime to protect you from experiencing that same pain again.

This protective system has two main response modes that shape how we react to potential threats:

1. A “shutdown” mode that helps create emotional distance when things feel too overwhelming. This is what kicks in when you find yourself unable to engage with pregnancy preparations or struggle to connect with typical pregnancy experiences.
   
   
2. An “alert” mode that drives us to try to control and manage every detail. This is what activates when you find yourself researching every possible scenario, trying to plan out your pregnancy down to the last minute, or needing to understand every aspect of your medical care.

These systems aren’t random – they’re your brain’s way of trying to keep you safe based on past experience. And in pregnancy after loss, they often show up as responses along a protective spectrum with “shutdown” on one end and “alert” on the other.

How These Responses Develop

Trauma responses during pregnancy after loss are common. In fact, research summarized by the NIHR shows that post-traumatic stress can affect up to 1 in 3 people following miscarriage or pregnancy loss, with symptoms sometimes lasting for years.

These responses often show up as patterns that fall along a protective spectrum – from complete withdrawal to intense engagement, with most of us moving somewhere between these points as pregnancy progresses.

Research on trauma responses shows that experiencing pregnancy loss doesn’t create new protective responses – instead, it changes how our existing protective systems respond to potentially threatening situations.

It’s like your brain’s security system has been updated with new definitions of what constitutes a threat.

When I learned about this through my training to support the pregnancy after loss community, so many things about my own rainbow pregnancy started making sense.

Those seemingly contradictory responses – being unable to acknowledge pregnancy in some ways while hyperfocused on it in others – weren’t random. They were my existing protective systems responding to different types of perceived threats in the ways they thought would keep me safest.

In pregnancy after loss, these protective responses:

• Activate automatically based on past experience
• Operate without needing conscious thought
• Can appear differently in different situations
• Often work beyond our immediate control

You might find yourself:

• Creating emotional distance when connection feels threatening
• Seeking control when distance feels unsafe
• Moving between these responses as different situations trigger different needs
• Sometimes experiencing both responses simultaneously

These responses might appear when you:

• Get asked about the baby (shutdown mode might kick in to protect you from getting too attached)
• Face medical decisions (alert mode might activate to help you gather all possible information)
• See baby items in stores (shutdown mode might help create emotional distance, alert mode might make it hard to purchase anything without first doing extensive research)
• Attend prenatal appointments (alert mode might drive you to ask every possible question, shutdown mode might make it hard to remember any of the answers)
• Experience pregnancy symptoms (either mode might activate depending on what feels most threatening)
• Any, all, or none of the above. The full spectrum of responses is wide and all of your responses are valid

Understanding how these responses can activate in different situations helps explain why our reactions might seem inconsistent or confusing at first. It’s not that we’re being inconsistent – it’s that our protective systems are responding to different types of perceived threats in different ways.

Why Responses May Shift

What makes rainbow pregnancy particularly complex is that different situations can trigger different protective responses, often without our conscious awareness. Think of it like that security system constantly reassessing threat levels and adjusting its response accordingly.

I remember being confused by how differently I responded to various aspects of pregnancy. I could spend hours going over medical information from my midwives but couldn’t bring myself to write their appointment times in my calendar. Now I understand that these weren’t contradictions – they were my protective systems responding differently to what they perceived as different types of threats.

Your brain is continuously scanning for potential threats based on:

• Where you are in pregnancy (certain weeks or milestones might feel more threatening)
• What you’re dealing with in the moment (medical appointments versus baby preparations)
• Recent experiences (good appointments might temporarily lower threat levels)
• Overall stress levels (other life stressors can increase protective responses)
• Available support (feeling supported can help your system stay calmer)

This is why you might find yourself:

• Able to handle medical appointments but not baby shopping
• Planning intensely one day and completely withdrawn the next
• Having different responses to different aspects of pregnancy
• Experiencing changes in your responses as pregnancy progresses

These shifting responses might feel unpredictable or overwhelming, but they’re actually your brain doing exactly what it’s designed to do: trying to keep you safe based on what it’s learned from past experience.

Understanding this can help us explore where we might fall on the spectrum of protective responses, how that position might change throughout pregnancy, and help us work with our responses rather than against them.

The Protective Response Spectrum

Think of these responses like two ends of a protective scale – withdrawal on one end, control-seeking on the other. Most of us find ourselves moving somewhere between these points, sometimes leaning more toward one end or the other depending on the situation or moment.

Understanding where you tend to fall on this spectrum – and how that might change – can help make sense of feelings and behaviors that might otherwise seem confusing.

The Protective Withdrawal End

This end of the spectrum is characterized by creating emotional distance as a form of protection. I know this response intimately – it was my primary way of coping during my rainbow pregnancy.

When you’re experiencing this response, you might find yourself:

• Unable to mark pregnancy appointments in your calendar
• Avoiding baby-related purchases or preparations
• Struggling to engage with pregnancy conversations
• Keeping pregnancy news private longer than you might have otherwise
• Finding it hard to connect with physical symptoms
• Creating distance from typical pregnancy experiences

This isn’t denial in the traditional sense – it’s your brain creating a protective buffer between you and potential pain. Think of it like emotional bubble wrap, cushioning your heart from possible hurt.

For me, this showed up in so many ways. I couldn’t take those tiny elephant pajamas out of their shopping bag. I waited much longer than typical to share pregnancy news. I avoided talking about due dates or future plans.

I’ve written more about that impossible feeling of being unable to prepare—even when you want to—in Why I Couldn’t Prepare for My Rainbow Baby.

Each of these responses provided distance that felt necessary – not because I didn’t care, but because I cared so deeply that my brain was trying to protect me from the devastating pain I’d experienced before.

Signs you might be experiencing protective withdrawal include feeling numb or disconnected from pregnancy, difficulty planning ahead for baby’s arrival, keeping baby items out of sight, changing the subject when others discuss pregnancy, trouble engaging with healthcare decisions, or finding comfort in emotional distance.

If any of that resonates with you, this post on emotional disconnect in rainbow pregnancy offers more validation and insight into why this happens.

The challenging part of protective withdrawal is that pregnancy inevitably progresses, and certain decisions or preparations eventually need attention. This is where understanding the other end of the spectrum – and how we might move between responses – becomes particularly important.

Let me continue revising the transitions throughout the piece, starting with the Control-Seeking End section and working through to the end.

The Control-Seeking End

At the other end of the spectrum, some parents find safety in trying to manage every aspect of pregnancy. While my own experience was primarily with withdrawal, I found myself sliding to this end of the spectrum when it came to anything medical-related.

I couldn’t write my due date on the calendar or take those tiny elephant pajamas out of their shopping bag, but I could hyperfocus on every word my midwives said, desperately trying to control the medical side of pregnancy.

I would spend hours going over their instructions, making sure I followed every recommendation perfectly.

This seemingly contradictory response pattern – intense control-seeking in some areas while completely withdrawn in others – shows how these protective responses can coexist and shift based on what we’re dealing with at any given moment.

When you’re experiencing this response, you might find yourself diving deep into pregnancy research, spending hours comparing safety features on baby items, or creating detailed plans for every possible scenario.

Some parents fill entire notebooks with birth preferences or create elaborate spreadsheets tracking every possible pregnancy symptom.

This isn’t anxiety or overthinking in the traditional sense – it’s your brain creating safety through knowledge and preparation. Think of it like creating a detailed map for uncertain territory. When so much feels out of control, this response helps create pockets of certainty where possible.

Signs of a control-seeking response might include:

• Deep-diving into pregnancy research, often focusing intensely on understanding statistics and outcomes
• Creating extensive preparation lists and backup plans for your backup plans
• Needing to understand every medical detail, sometimes taking pages of notes during appointments
• Refusing help with milestone or celebration planning, possibly planning a more elaborate baby shower than you might have otherwise
• Carefully tracking all pregnancy symptoms and comparing them to typical patterns
• Planning for multiple possible scenarios in great detail
• Finding comfort in thorough preparation and organization

Just like with withdrawal, this response often shows up differently in different areas of pregnancy. You might need detailed birth plans while feeling more relaxed about nursery preparation, or find yourself intensely researching car seat safety while feeling less concerned about postpartum planning.

What makes this response particularly challenging is that pregnancy resources often seem to encourage this kind of intense preparation – all those checklists and “essential” items lists can make it hard to recognize when the drive to control and prepare might actually be a trauma response rather than a helpful planning strategy.

The reality is that most of us don’t stay firmly at one end of this spectrum. Instead, we find ourselves moving between these protective responses throughout pregnancy.

Movement Along the Spectrum

Most parents find themselves moving between withdrawal and control-seeking responses throughout pregnancy. These shifts aren’t random – they often reflect what feels most threatening or most manageable in any given moment.

I experienced this sliding scale intensely with my baby registry. When I finally felt able to start researching items, I would find myself diving deep into consumer safety reports and product reviews, determined to identify the absolute safest, most perfect options for any item I was willing to consider.

But I’d become completely overwhelmed and shut down soon after sitting down to work on it – unable to look at even one more baby product. Sometimes I could do it for a while, others I couldn’t even get myself to start.

My mom, who was planning the baby shower, had to keep gently prompting me to complete the registry. What should have been a relatively straightforward task stretched over weeks as I bounced between these responses – intense research when I could handle it, followed by complete avoidance when it became too much.

This tug-of-war between emotional readiness and practical needs is what I call the Preparation Paradox in Rainbow Pregnancy.

You might find yourself experiencing similar shifts:

• Completely withdrawn from emotional preparation while intensely focused on medical details
• Planning extensively one day and unable to think about pregnancy the next
• Managing certain appointments easily while struggling with others
• Having different responses to different types of preparation
• Experiencing changes in your responses as pregnancy progresses

These shifts can feel confusing or even frustrating. But they make perfect sense when we understand them as protective responses adapting to what feels safe in each moment.

What makes this especially challenging is that these responses often shift around:

• Significant dates or milestones (like previous loss anniversaries)
• Medical appointments or test results
• Conversations with different people
• Stress levels or life changes
• Available support

Sometimes these shifts happen gradually – like slowly feeling more able to engage with preparation as pregnancy progresses. Other times they might feel sudden, triggered by a specific event or reminder.

You might even find yourself experiencing both ends of the spectrum simultaneously – feeling disconnected from some aspects while intensely focused on others.

Understanding these shifts as normal responses rather than failures or inconsistencies can help us work with them rather than against them. Your brain is constantly assessing for safety, adjusting its protective strategies based on what you’re facing in each moment.

The question becomes: how can we work with these responses in ways that honor their protective purpose while still meeting our practical needs?

Working With Your Response Patterns

Once you begin to recognize your protective patterns, you might wonder how to navigate them. The key isn’t trying to eliminate these responses – they’re serving an important protective function. Instead, the goal is finding ways to work with them that honor both your emotional needs and the practical realities of pregnancy.

Identifying Your Current Patterns

The first step is simply noticing where you tend to fall on the spectrum in different situations. You might start to recognize:

• Which aspects of pregnancy trigger withdrawal responses
• What situations lead to control-seeking behaviors
• How your responses might shift with different people or contexts
• What times or milestones feel particularly challenging
• What helps you feel safer in different situations

Simply observing these patterns without judgment can be powerful.

When I look back at my rainbow pregnancy, I wish I had understood that my denial and withdrawal weren’t failures – they were protection. And my intense focus on medical details wasn’t baseless anxiety – it was my way of creating safety in an area where I felt some control was possible.

Working With Protective Withdrawal

If you find yourself primarily experiencing withdrawal, some approaches that might help include:

• Breaking essential tasks into tiny, manageable steps
• Having a support person handle overwhelming aspects
• Creating physical distance from triggering items (keeping baby things stored elsewhere)
• Setting clear boundaries around pregnancy discussions
• Finding alternative ways to track necessary information
• Giving yourself permission to engage only with what feels manageable

For me, having my mom and my friends step in to handle baby shower planning was essential. I couldn’t engage with it, but she could create that space while respecting my need for distance.

Similarly, letting my midwives guide me through verbal birth planning when I couldn’t create a written plan myself helped ensure necessary preparation happened while honoring my protective responses.

Working With Control-Seeking Responses

If you tend toward the control-seeking end, approaches that might help include:

• Setting time limits for research sessions
• Creating structured breaks from preparation
• Having someone help identify when control-seeking becomes overwhelming
• Establishing a line between helpful planning and anxiety-driven research
• Finding grounding techniques when control feels elusive
• Identifying which preparations actually impact outcomes versus create an illusion of control

Even if control-seeking isn’t your primary response, you might find it appears in certain contexts. Learning to recognize when gathering information feels empowering versus overwhelming can help you navigate these moments.

Supporting Shifting Responses

Since most of us move along this spectrum rather than staying fixed at one end, developing strategies for navigating these shifts can be particularly helpful:

• Creating flexible support that can adapt to changing needs
• Having backup plans for days when engagement feels impossible
• Taking advantage of “okay” days while protecting yourself on harder ones
• Communicating changing needs to key support people
• Finding ways to handle essential tasks that honor where you are each day

Working with these changing responses isn’t always easy. Some days you might find your carefully developed strategies don’t seem to help. Other days what worked before suddenly feels impossible.

This flexibility in our responses can sometimes leave us wondering if we’re doing something wrong or if we need more support than we initially thought.

The truth is that supporting yourself through these shifting responses is an ongoing process of adjustment and adaptation. Sometimes our existing support systems – whether personal or professional – might not fully meet our needs as our responses change.

Recognizing when additional or different support might be helpful is, in itself, an important part of this journey.

Signs You Might Need Additional Support

While these protective responses are completely normal after loss, sometimes they can become overwhelming. It’s important to recognize when additional support might be helpful.

You might consider seeking more support if:

• Protective responses are making it difficult to handle essential tasks
• You’re experiencing increasing anxiety or distress
• You find yourself unable to engage with necessary medical care
• Existing support systems don’t understand your needs
• You’re feeling isolated in your experience

These aren’t signs that something is wrong with you – they’re indications that your current support system might need strengthening. Just as you wouldn’t expect to physically recover from injury without support, emotional healing after loss often requires additional resources.

Professional support from someone who understands pregnancy after loss can be particularly valuable. Unlike even the most well-meaning friends or family, a trained professional:

• Understands the neurobiology of trauma responses
• Can provide tools specifically designed for pregnancy after loss
• Creates space where all your feelings are valid
• Doesn’t need you to manage their emotions about your experience
• Has experience helping others navigate similar paths

For guidance on finding professional support, see our post on How to Get Professional Support for Your Rainbow Pregnancy.

Finding Your Path Forward

Understanding your protective response patterns isn’t about changing them – it’s about finding ways to work with them that honor both your emotional needs and the practical realities of pregnancy.

Whether you tend toward withdrawal, control-seeking, or find yourself moving between these responses, your patterns make sense.

They’re your brain’s way of creating safety in an inherently uncertain journey. The goal isn’t to eliminate these protective responses but to find ways to work with them that feel sustainable.

As you navigate this complex terrain, remember:

• Your protective responses are normal and meaningful
• Different patterns work for different people
• Your needs may change throughout pregnancy
• Support can adapt to meet you where you are
• Working with rather than against these patterns can help create more emotional safety

If you’d like to explore how these response patterns specifically affect pregnancy preparation, see our related posts on:

Essential vs Optional: A Framework for Rainbow Pregnancy Preparation
How to Honor Your Natural Rainbow Pregnancy Preparation Style
Your Terms, Your Time: Rainbow Pregnancy Preparations You Can Say No To

If you’re looking to connect with others who understand this complex journey, consider joining our private Facebook group for rainbow parents-to-be. You’ll find a community that understands the delicate balance of protection and preparation, withdrawal and engagement, that defines pregnancy after loss.

Before you go, I want to reiterate VERY CLEARLY that I am neither a Medical Health Care Provider nor a Mental Health Care Provider. Nothing I have written here should be taken as medical advice. PLEASE seek help from a professional if you have any questions or concerns about your pregnancy or your emotional state.