Finding Your Initial Support Person for Rainbow Pregnancy

“It takes a village to raise a child.”

We hear this all the time. But that village doesn’t just appear one day. Whether you already have pretty supportive people in your life or not, finding and/or creating that village will take some work on your part.

And that can feel overwhelming when it already feels like so much is happening and you’re unsure if you can keep it together.

Added to all of that, there’s something uniquely challenging about needing support during pregnancy after loss.

Maybe you’re protecting yourself by keeping this pregnancy close to your heart, not quite ready to share it with anyone yet. Or perhaps you’re worried about burdening others with your complex emotions. You might even be feeling so completely overwhelmed that asking for some support hasn’t occurred to you yet.

If you’re anything like me, you might be experiencing a fun combination of all three.

When I was pregnant with my rainbow baby, I was incredibly fortunate to already have/be part of a pretty great village. But I struggled to let them in.

Because I struggled to let myself in. My denial was so strong that even acknowledging I needed support felt impossible – because that also meant acknowledging that I was indeed pregnant, something I was afraid to do.

If you’re feeling something similar, or finding it difficult to think about letting others into this space with you, you’re not alone.

So, today we’ll walk through the first steps of building a support system – finding that special, initial support person who can help you create your village.

But before we talk specifically about finding that first support person, let’s take a moment to understand what kind of support might feel most helpful – and manageable – for you right now. Sometimes just identifying what we need can make taking that first step feel less overwhelming.

Understanding Your Support Needs

When we think about support during pregnancy after loss, it’s good to think beyond just having someone to attend appointments or help with practical tasks – though those things matter too.

But finding someone who can hold space for the complex reality of where you are right now could be a game changer.

I’ll be honest, my denial was so strong with my rainbow pregnancy that I didn’t really recognize my need for support. I was just existing. But if I had, I am fairly certain I would have struggled to let it in.

But hindsight is 20/20 and I can see so clearly how every potential conversation about that new pregnancy felt weighted with both hope and fear. I needed people who could sit with me in that complexity without trying to fix it or push me toward feeling differently. And you do too.

Before we look for that first support person, let’s take some time to understand what support might look like for you right now. Everyone’s needs are different, and what feels supportive to one person might feel overwhelming to another.

Journal Prompts for Exploring Your Support Needs

These prompts are offered as optional tools for exploring your own feelings about support for your rainbow pregnancy.

There’s no pressure to engage with them – they’re simply here if you find writing helpful for processing complex emotions. Like everything else in rainbow pregnancy, how you use them (or whether you use them at all) is entirely up to you.

Emotional Support:

What feels most overwhelming about this pregnancy right now?
What kind of responses help you feel safe and understood?
What types of support feel too much or triggering?
What do you wish others understood about where you are emotionally?

Practical Support:

Which pregnancy-related tasks feel most difficult to handle alone?
What kind of practical help would give you the most relief?
Are there specific appointments or decisions you’d like support with?
What tasks feel safer to handle yourself?

Privacy & Boundaries:

How much information do you feel comfortable sharing right now?
What aspects of this pregnancy do you want to keep private?
What are your biggest fears about letting someone support you?
What would help you feel safer in sharing?

As you explore these prompts, remember that protecting your heart is just as important as finding support. Sometimes the strongest self-advocacy is in recognizing what kind of support you’re ready for – or not ready for – right now.

You might find that some of these questions are easier to answer than others. You might discover you’re more ready for practical support than emotional support, or vice versa. You might realize you need different types of support than you initially thought.

All of these insights are valuable. They help us understand not just that we need support, but what kind of support would actually feel helpful rather than overwhelming.

For example, you might discover that:

• You need someone to help track appointments but aren’t ready to discuss feelings
• You want emotional support but only from someone who has experienced loss
• You need practical help but want to maintain privacy about the pregnancy
• You’re looking for someone who can just sit with you in uncertainty
• Something else entirely

Understanding these nuances helps us identify who might be best positioned to provide that initial support. It also helps us communicate our needs more clearly when we’re ready to have that first conversation.

Your needs might change throughout this pregnancy, and that’s okay. What feels supportive today might feel overwhelming tomorrow, or vice versa.

Understanding what kind of support you need – or are ready for – helps make that first small step feel more manageable. Instead of trying to figure out everything at once, we can focus on finding just one person who might be able to show up in the specific ways you’ve identified.

Taking the First Small Step

That first step toward letting someone support you during pregnancy after loss can feel monumentally difficult. More than just choosing a person – you’ll have to open up a space in your heart that you might be carefully protecting right now.

I remember how vulnerable it felt to even think about letting someone into this tender space. Accepting support meant acknowledging this pregnancy, and acknowledgment felt terrifying.

Maybe you’re feeling something similar – that push and pull between needing support and needing to protect yourself.

Finding Your First Support Person

Sometimes the most obvious choice isn’t necessarily the right one for where you are right now. While partners are often our first thought for support, they’re also processing their own complex emotions about this pregnancy.

Some of you might find it easier to lean on a different kind of support first – someone who can hold space for both you and your partner as you navigate this journey together.

For others, your partner is the one and only person you want/are able to rely on, which is absolutely fine. I am not discouraging that here; merely suggesting other options for different situations.

See Telling Your Partner About Your Rainbow Pregnancy for support
through partner announcements.

What might help you feel safer in this first step:

• Start with someone who already knows about your loss
• Choose someone who respects silence as much as conversation
• Look for someone who doesn’t need you to be “okay” or “excited”
• Consider someone who can handle practical tasks without emotional pressure
• Think about who makes you feel seen without feeling exposed

Journal Prompts for Identifying Potential Support:

Reflecting on Safety:

Who in your life helps you feel most understood?
When you’ve felt vulnerable before, who created safe space for you?
Who respects your boundaries without taking them personally?
What qualities help you feel safe when sharing difficult things?

Considering Options:

Is there someone who has shown up for you consistently in the past?
Who handles emotional complexity with grace?
Is there someone who supports without trying to fix?
Would professional support feel safer right now?

If Traditional Support Isn’t Available

Sometimes looking at our potential support options reveals gaps we didn’t expect. Maybe the people closest to you aren’t equipped to provide the kind of support you need right now. Maybe your local area doesn’t have the resources you’re looking for. Maybe previous experiences have made trusting support feel impossible.

This is where we might need to think creatively about support:

• Online support groups for pregnancy after loss
• Professional counseling (in-person or virtual)
• Pregnancy after loss doulas
• Support-focused social media communities
• Professional care providers who understand loss

Whether you identify someone from your personal circle or decide that professional support might feel safer as a first step, try to keep in mind that there’s no “perfect” way to begin.

What matters is finding someone who can help make this journey feel a little less solitary while still honoring your need for emotional safety.

Once you’ve identified someone who might be able to provide the kind of support you need, the next step is thinking about how to open that first conversation in a way that feels safe for you.

Having the First Conversation

Once you’ve identified someone who might be able to support you, the question becomes how and when to open that door. This isn’t just about sharing news – it’s about creating a foundation for support that feels safe and sustainable.

I remember standing in my kitchen, trying to find words to explain to my mom why I couldn’t feel excited about the very thing I had wanted for so long. I didn’t have the language then to explain how it felt like tempting fate.

But even my clumsy attempts to express this were met with such gentle understanding that it helped me feel safer letting her in, even though I knew she was struggling to understand where I was coming from.

Your first conversation might look completely different. You might find yourself:

• Needing to share but struggling to find words
• Wanting support but feeling unsure how to ask
• Ready for practical help but not emotional discussions
• Looking for someone to just sit with you in uncertainty

For a deeper dive on sharing (or not sharing) your pregnancy news with the people in your life, see my related post:
Announcing Your Rainbow Pregnancy: If, Who, When, and How

Journal Prompts for Preparing for the Conversation:

Setting the Stage:

What would help you feel safest in this conversation?
What aspects feel most important to communicate?
What boundaries do you need to establish?
What fears come up when you think about sharing?

Creating Safety in the Conversation

Some gentle ways to begin:

• If you’re feeling overwhelmed: “I’m pregnant again, and I’m having trouble processing it. I don’t need you to fix anything – I just need someone to know.”
• If you need practical support: “I’m finding it hard to track medical appointments right now. Would you be willing to help me with that? I can share more when I’m ready.”
• If you’re seeking understanding: “This pregnancy feels really complex after my loss. I need someone who can sit with me in that complexity without trying to make it better.”
• If you’re not ready for much sharing: “I trust you, and I want to let you know what’s happening. But I need to take this really slowly.”

Remember that you get to:

• Set the pace for sharing
• Establish clear boundaries
• Take breaks when needed
• Share only what feels safe
• Change your mind about what you’re ready to discuss

There’s no rule that says you have to explain everything at once. You can start small, testing the waters with pieces of information that feel manageable. Pay attention to how you feel during and after sharing – this can help guide you in future conversations.

After taking that brave first step of opening the conversation, the next phase is about nurturing this initial support relationship in a way that feels sustainable and safe for you.

Working with Your Support Person

Creating a sustainable support relationship during pregnancy after loss requires both sensitivity and clear communication. Finding people who can help carry what feels too heavy while still respecting your need to protect your heart may feel a little like finding a unicorn.

Or maybe you’re lucky like me and your existing circle is absolutely wonderful.

My mom, best friend, and sister-in-law showed me what truly thoughtful support looks like when it came to planning my baby shower.

They understood my struggle to engage with preparation and took on the planning completely, only bringing questions to me when absolutely necessary.

Even then, they approached those questions with such gentleness – always checking first if I had the emotional capacity to discuss them that day, always making it clear that we could pause or stop at any point.

Their ability to handle these celebrations – which can be especially complex during pregnancy after loss – while holding space for my need to stay somewhat distant became a template for how support could work.

They showed me that, with support, it was possible to get necessary things done while still protecting my heart. And this is what gives me confidence in you being able to build up your own village.

There are likely people in your life who want to help, but they may not know quite how. So let’s dig into how you can create the support relationship that meets you where you are.

Setting Initial Boundaries

The foundation of any supportive relationship is clear communication about boundaries. If it feels accessible to you now, let’s do some writing to get to the bottom of what boundaries make you feel safest.

Journal Prompts for Boundary Setting:

Understanding Your Needs:

What topics feel safe to discuss right now?
What conversations need to wait?
How would you like difficult news handled?
What kinds of responses feel supportive versus overwhelming?

Communicating with Support:

What specific phrases help you feel understood?
How would you like them to check in with you?
What are your triggers that they should know about?
How can they help protect your privacy?

Some gentle ways to express boundaries:

• “Right now, I can only handle practical discussions about appointments.”
• “When I share fears, I need you to listen without trying to fix them.”
• “Please don’t share this news with anyone else – I need to control who knows and when.”
• “I might need to step back sometimes. It’s not about you – it’s about protecting my heart.”

Building Trust Over Time

My support relationships weren’t strategically built – they were messy, inconsistent, and sometimes confusing for everyone involved.

There were days I’d share everything and days I couldn’t manage a text back. My poor mom never knew which version of me she’d get when she checked in.

I didn’t recognize this pattern when I was in the thick of it. I wasn’t thoughtfully “testing the waters” with my support people – I was just surviving, sometimes sharing, sometimes completely withdrawing based on whatever protective response felt necessary that day.

You might find yourself on a similarly unpredictable path. Some days you might pour your heart out, then panic and pull back completely.

You might share something vulnerable one minute and change the subject the next. You might feel close to someone one day and completely distant the next.

The people who ended up being my strongest supporters weren’t the ones who understood everything I was going through – they were the ones who stayed steady even when I couldn’t.

They didn’t take my withdrawal personally or push me to be more consistent. They just kept showing up, respecting whatever boundaries I had that day, even when they didn’t or couldn’t understand them.

If I could go back and tell myself one thing, it would be to stop judging those relationship fluctuations so harshly. To recognize that trust after trauma isn’t a straight line – it’s a zigzag, sometimes doubling back on itself, sometimes making unexpected leaps forward.

Maybe you’re managing this more gracefully than I did (not a tall order!). Or maybe, like me, you’re just trying to get through each day. Either way, be gentle with yourself about how these relationships unfold.

The path to trust after loss rarely follows the neat progression we might expect.

Professional Support Options

Looking back now, I can see just how normal my reactions to everything were. But while I was in the middle of it, I spent a lot of time berating myself for how I “should” be feeling.

Having someone specifically trained to help us navigate this complex journey can have a normalizing effect that is beyond valuable.

Sometimes, professional support from a trained mental health or pregnancy specialist (such as a pregnancy-after-loss doula) can feel like a safer first step. Instead of navigating complex relationships with family or friends, you might prefer to start with someone who:

• Is trained to understand pregnancy after loss
• Can offer support without needing support back
• Provides a completely private space to process

Professional support offers something uniquely valuable – space where you don’t have to manage anyone else’s emotions about your pregnancy. Where you can be completely honest about your fears without worrying about how they’ll land.

You might consider starting with professional support if:

• You want support but aren’t ready to share with people close to you
• You’re feeling isolated in your experience
• You need help processing complex emotions
• You’re struggling to identify who might be able to support you
• You want help developing tools for managing anxiety or fear

Your Support Journey: One Step at a Time

Finding that first support person – whether it’s someone from your personal life or a professional – is an act of profound courage. It takes strength to open even a small window into this tender space, to let someone witness where you are in this journey.

Remember that this first step isn’t about reaching some arbitrary goal of what support “should” look like. For some, having just one person who truly gets it – who can hold space for both your fear and your hope – might be exactly what you need throughout your entire pregnancy.

There’s no rule that says you need more support than that if it doesn’t feel right.

You might find yourself:

• Content with the support of just one person
• Building confidence in asking for what you need
• Discovering new ways this person can support you
• Finding new boundaries you need to set
• Gradually feeling ready to consider letting others in

All of these paths are valid. The goal isn’t to build the biggest support network possible – it’s to create connection that helps make this journey feel a little less lonely while still honoring your need for emotional safety.

But remember – there’s no rush. Trust your instincts about what feels right for you right now.

You deserve to be supported in whatever way feels safest for you, whether that’s maintaining one solid support relationship or gradually building a broader network. You’ve already shown incredible courage in taking this first step.

If you could use more guidance on beginning a support relationship, I’ve created a series of workbooks to help with just that:

Before you go, I want to reiterate VERY CLEARLY that I am neither a Medical Health Care Provider nor a Mental Health Care Provider. Nothing I have written here should be taken as medical advice. PLEASE seek help from a professional if you have any questions or concerns about your pregnancy or your emotional state.