Why I Couldn’t Prepare for My Rainbow Baby

There are so many different feels to feel during a rainbow pregnancy. Joy, fear, relief, worry, hope, guilt, the list goes on.

Each one of those feelings is scary all on its own in this situation. But all of them together? Downright panic-inducing.

Enter denial. Denial is a place to hide from it all, that can quiet some of that panic.

The moment it occurred to me that I could be pregnant, the denial began. It was my near-constant companion throughout my pregnancy and even followed me into the first few months of my rainbow baby’s life.

It did quiet the panic, but it also took with it the joy, the hope, and my ability to plan ahead for bringing a baby home. 

I don’t have an inspiring story to tell about how I overcame it all. My story is messy. But hindsight really is 20/20, and I can look back and see what would have helped me. 

So let’s take a walk down memory lane and go through what was so hard, why it was so hard, and what I would do differently if I knew then what I know now.

The Immediate Wall of Denial

I’ll never forget the intense noise of every possible emotion fighting for the spotlight in my head when I looked down at those two pink lines. Or the deafening silence that followed when that protective wall of denial slammed down a few moments later.

Anyone who’s taken a pregnancy test before knows it’s best to take them first thing in the morning, but there was no way I was going to be able to wait once it dawned on me that my period was late.

I was somehow simultaneously in complete denial and absolutely sure I was pregnant as I paced back and forth for 2 minutes, waiting to look at the results.

I had never not cheated and sneaked an early peek at the test before, but this time I couldn’t look at it for several minutes.

I was hiding behind my denial, and I knew once I looked, it would be harder to do so. But I couldn’t put it off forever.

There are no words to describe the multitude of feels that came crashing down on me when I finally looked down at that positive pregnancy test.

They were all jumbled together and each trying to yell louder than the next in a desperate show for my attention.

It was such an intensely overwhelming sensation that I believe the denial was what helped me maintain my sanity.

While I was staring down at those two pink lines and could no longer deny I was pregnant, I could be in denial about what it meant.

I somehow boiled it down to some new medical circumstances that would in no way result in a baby being born.

If there wasn’t going to be a baby, I couldn’t build up hopes and dreams around them. I couldn’t name them, plan for them, picture what our lives would look like. And if I couldn’t do those things, neither could I lose those things.

I didn’t want to think about them. I didn’t want to create a baby registry, have a baby shower, make a birth plan.

I didn’t want to know the baby’s sex because that somehow makes it easier to talk about them like a person (such an incredibly irritating design flaw in how our language is set up), assigning pronouns and maybe even a name.

Any and all plans I thought I needed to make, or felt pressured to make, felt like tempting fate. Felt like setting myself up for more of the immeasurable pain I had suffered before.

Anxiety-Induced Pockets of Preparation

While I did spend most of my pregnancy in a haze of denial, there were certain things that would pull me out of my protective state and send me to the other end of the spectrum in a desperate grasp for control.

To learn more about this emotional spectrum, see my related post:
Emotional Response Patterns in Rainbow Pregnancy: Why You Feel the Way You Do

Creating a Baby Registry

Creating a baby registry was particularly difficult because, added to the feeling of tempting fate, was an obsessive need to find the safest version of everything a baby needs.

So when I finally sat down to create the registry, I would spend hours going through product reviews and safety ratings until my head was spinning and I’d looked through so many options I couldn’t make a decision. I even had stress dreams about milk collectors and baby monitors.

And I also knew that once I had the registry created, people would purchase some of those things for me, and they would be in my house. They would be sitting there constantly trying to pull me out of my denial.

And they would still be sitting there, waiting for me to deal with them, whether my baby came home with me or not.

Medical Advice Anxiety

The other aspect of baby prep that was at war with my denial was anything medical. While I didn’t believe I would get to bring my baby home, I still obsessed over everything my midwives had to say.

I took copious notes and turned any advice they gave me into my full-time job, determined not to feel like there was anything I could have done differently to change the outcome this time.

I was looking for control in any area where I felt like I could exercise some.

Logically, I knew I was not at fault for my previous loss. But logic doesn’t always stand up against the avalanche of feelings that hit you after a loss or during a following pregnancy.

If your doctor/midwife/care provider is someone you trust, it is always good to listen to their advice. And that is exactly what I was doing. But obsessing over every detail like I did was not good for my mental well-being.

I want to mention here that I am not suggesting anyone blindly follow their care provider’s advice just because. You know your body better than anyone, and you should trust your gut and get a second opinion if something feels off.

If you need help finding the right care, check out these related posts:
Choosing the Right Healthcare Provider for Your Rainbow Pregnancy
or
A Rainbow Pregnancy Guide to Switching Healthcare Providers.

When Avoidance and Time Collide

There are times pregnancy feels like a marathon and others where it feels like a sprint. All of the months ahead of me felt like an eternity of waiting, wondering at which point I would find out I had lost again.

But every time I looked behind me, I wondered where the time had gone and how I’d come so far, so fast.

While my denial was affording me the ability to function as a human most days, it was also allowing me the ability to procrastinate on a lot of the preparations for birth and Baby coming home that usually come with nesting.

But all of that avoidance and procrastination brought on their own new anxieties as certain things needed to either be rushed or let go of as we approached the finish line.

I avoided that baby registry research like it would burn me. The deadline to sign up for birthing/parenting classes before my due date blew right by me.

I hand-pumped for the first two weeks of my rainbow baby’s life because I waited too long to order my breast pump. We didn’t purchase a car seat until the night before my baby was born.

And I didn’t put anything in my hospital bag until about 20 minutes before we left the house to get lab results that I was warned might mean needing to be admitted to the hospital for early birth (spoiler alert: I was admitted and I didn’t need a damn thing I put in that bag).

I am not telling you any of this as some sort of cautionary tale about how you need to get your ish together. I never did and everything worked out.

Time keeps marching on and what’s gonna come is gonna come. If your protective denial feels better to you than trying to get past it and be more prepared, let the rest go. You will see zero judgment from me.

But if you are here because you are looking to handle things a little bit better than I did, let’s talk about what I might have done differently if I’d had the security of knowing my baby was going to come home with me.

The Benefit of Hindsight

I’ll be perfectly honest and say that I am not sure anyone or anything could have pulled me from my denial or helped me feel more prepared to actually bring my baby home.

But here are some things that I do believe could have brought me a little relief and maybe even made my wild ride on the rainbow pregnancy rollercoaster a little more tame.

Earlier Counseling

I had a wonderful team of midwives and all-around good care during my rainbow pregnancy.

One of the things they suggested during my third trimester was getting myself into counseling so that I would already be established with a therapist if I experienced any postpartum depression or anxiety.

This is phenomenal advice. The prevalence of Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders (or PMADs) is far too high, and we as a society don’t do enough to care for moms.

However, while that was really good advice, I should have been in counseling much sooner. Pregnancy is big and scary and life-changing even for those who haven’t suffered a previous loss.

For more about pregnancy counseling, see my related post on
When to Seek Therapy During a Rainbow Pregnancy.

Less Nesting Pressure

The societal expectations around nesting are ridiculous. I find the idea that you’ll start glowing as you deep clean your whole house and pick out paint samples maddening.

This is not to say that those things are bad. If any form of nesting brings you peace or helps you feel closer to your baby, lean into it.

It is the idea that we all “should” be glowing and softly singing to ourselves while we drape gauzy fabric around a bassinet that irks me (seriously, if you want to drape gauzy fabric you go drape that gauzy fabric, I’m just getting at the “should” here).

The truth is that your baby doesn’t need a perfectly decorated nursery at all, and certainly not before they are born.

If it feels like you’re going to jinx something or it hurts to look at those baby items, don’t.

Just don’t.

Keep those baby items out of sight or even at someone else’s house until you feel ready to have them.

I constantly felt like I was failing because I wasn’t getting my house picture-perfect ready to have a baby in it. But I was incapable. I could not bring myself to commit such an act of hope.

I would have been much better off if I could have let go of those expectations.

My rainbow came early. The carpet was all ripped up in the room we would use for a nursery and it needed to be painted. We hadn’t put the crib together or set up a place to change diapers.

And you know what? My baby didn’t even notice. They are supposed to sleep in your room for at least the first 6 months anyway.

If it feels dangerous to create space in your home for your rainbow, DON’T. You have time and you can let this one go for now.

For a deeper look at what you really need before your baby arrives and what can wait or be forgotten, see my related post:
Essential vs Optional: A Framework For Rainbow Pregnancy Preparation

Getting to the Bottom of My Own Feelings

If I haven’t yet made it clear, I was a mess during my rainbow pregnancy. I spent the majority of it avoiding any feelings at all so I was not really in touch with any of them.

This was protective and, as I said, everything worked out ok. But I had an absolutely wonderful support system who really wanted to help me.

Getting to know my own emotions and how I was feeling about everything could have gone a long way toward articulating where I was at and what sort of support I needed.

Whenever anyone asked me if I needed anything or if they could do anything for me I just sort of stared at them blankly and shrugged my shoulders.

Maybe I would have made it through my pregnancy with less turmoil and more hope if I had been able to lean on my support system more.

Things like journaling and counseling can really help you work past some of your denial and find the words to go with your feelings.

I also offer a workbook series that can help you identify the types of support that will work best with where you are now and how build it up:

Permission to Feel My Own Feels

One of the big things I really DIDN’T need during my pregnancy after loss was to be told my feelings were wrong.

People who have never gone through pregnancy loss or a following pregnancy really cannot put themselves in our shoes. And though they are usually well-meaning, they often say things that are incredibly unhelpful.

As a society, we do not handle other people’s grief well. We often feel compelled to fill any silences or try to find the right thing to say, prompting us to let all sorts of wacky stuff fall out of our mouths.

A few examples of things you might hear are:

• You should be happy, you got what you wanted.
• Why aren’t you more excited?
• If it’s meant to be, it will be.
• If it doesn’t work out, at least you know you can get pregnant. You can always try again.
• You need to relax. All of that anxiety is really bad for the baby.

We are sold such a beautiful image of pregnancy and all of the joy it brings. People who have never suffered this kind of loss cannot comprehend the depth of the fear you feel when you become pregnant again.

They don’t think about:

• The constant fear and worry around every move you make
  • Is it ok to lift that?
  • Am I taking all of the right Supplements?
  • Is it safe to eat this?
  • Did I bump into that too hard?
  • Am I sleeping in a safe position?
• The crippling anxiety leading up to and during scans
• Compulsively tracking time between baby movements
• Obsessively tracking every molecule of food and drink that passes your lips
• Wondering if anything you do is going to jinx your chances
• Being torn between wanting to – and being terrified to – imagine your baby in your arms
• Feeling both relieved and immeasurably stressed out by the extra check-ups
• And, and, and. . .the list goes on

They also don’t think about how isolated their comments might make you feel. Pregnancy loss and pregnancy after loss are not talked about enough and comments like these only made me feel more alone.

I was already constantly feeling like I was doing everything wrong, I did not need anyone to tell me my feelings were wrong on top of everything else.

But you don’t have to be overwhelmed by joy or excitement to be a good parent. Your feelings and fears are valid. And those feelings and fears are enough to carry without trying to force yourself to feel differently.

Community with people who know and understand what you are going through can be so helpful. If you are looking for a safe space, come join us in our free, private, and supportive Facebook Group:

I also highly recommend Postpartum Support International for their online support group offerings.

Resources for Rainbow Pregnancy Prep (if you want to)

I have gone over a lot of the why behind the difficulties we can face when trying to prepare our minds, hearts, and spaces for our rainbow babies.

Again, you will get zero judgment from me if you are happy to remain in your current state. But if you are looking for more of the how when it comes to emotional readiness for preparation, check out these related blog posts:

• How to Honor Your Natural Rainbow Pregnancy Preparation Style
  
• Managing Practical Preparation in Rainbow Pregnancy
  
• Your Terms, Your Time: Rainbow Pregnancy Preparations You Can Say No To

You Don’t Have to Have it All Figured Out

I wish I had concrete answers to give you about what would make this journey easier for you.

Since I was really just along for the ride during my own rainbow pregnancy, I don’t have tried-and-true methods that will absolutely, most definitely, without a doubt make preparing for your little one a breeze.

And if I am 100% honest, I am not sure there is even anything that can. But I do hope you can learn something from what I went through and, at the very least, find some peace with the way you are feeling right now.

You don’t need to change it. It feels hard because it is hard. Pressuring yourself to be happier, feel lighter, won’t change that.

But the things I do truly believe will help lighten your load are (the TL;DR for this post):

• Getting yourself into counseling yesterday
• Lean in or let go of nesting, whichever feels safer to you
• Work on putting words to your feelings through journaling or counseling so you can help your support system help you
• Give yourself permission to feel however you feel right now (or listen to me when I give you permission. . .here it is, I give you permission – feel those feels)
• Find community with others who have been where you are

If you’d like to give journaling a try, I do have a first-trimester journal for rainbow pregnancy available:

This is a tough time. It’s ok that it’s tough. But you’re strong. You’ve made it to this point and you can do this.

Take things slow and just try to do a little at a time. I’m here if you need me. Come join us in the Facebook group or sign up for my email list (below). I’d love to hear from you.

Before you go, I want to reiterate VERY CLEARLY that I am neither a Medical Health Care Provider nor a Mental Health Care Provider. Nothing I have written here should be taken as medical advice. PLEASE seek help from a professional if you have any questions or concerns about your pregnancy or your emotional state.

Please Pin One of the Images Below, It’s a BIG Help for My Blog!
Thank you!