Your Terms, Your Time: 5 Rainbow Pregnancy Preparations You Can Say No To

The baby industry has very specific ideas about what pregnancy preparation should look like. A casual scroll through social media or a quick walk through any baby store makes it seem like there’s an endless list of “must-haves” and “essential” preparations.

While some of these preparations might feel healing or exciting for some parents, they can feel overwhelming or impossible for others. And that’s okay – because most of what you’ll find on those preparation lists is completely optional.

I remember standing in the baby section of a department store, completely overwhelmed by all the “must-have” items surrounding me. My mom was excited about some tiny elephant pajamas, but I could barely look at them. The idea of buying anything for a baby I wasn’t sure would come home felt impossible.

Maybe you’re feeling something similar – overwhelmed by nursery planning expectations, pressured about baby showers, or uncertain about all those “essential” items the baby industry insists you need. Or perhaps you’re struggling with birth preparation decisions or experiencing this pressure in some entirely different way.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Let’s talk about navigating these optional preparations while protecting your heart.

Common Optional Preparations

When we strip away the marketing and social pressure, most pregnancy preparations fall into the “optional” category. Let’s look at what these often include and why they’re more flexible than they might seem.

For a clear breakdown of what’s actually essential versus optional in rainbow pregnancy preparation, see our post on
Essential vs Optional: A Basic Framework for Rainbow Pregnancy.

1. Nursery Preparation

My rainbow baby slept in a basic bassinet next to my bed. No themed decor, no matching furniture sets, no special lighting or storage systems.

I kept expecting to feel the need to “nest,” but it just never came. I could not put that level of hope into anything.

Those beautiful nursery photos on Pinterest? They’re lovely if creating that space feels healing for you. Seriously, I do not want to discourage you if you are looking forward to creating that beautiful space.

But if trying to create such a space feels like too much, I promise your baby will be fine without it. They don’t need a decorated room, especially not right after they are born.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that babies sleep in the same room as their parents for at least the first 6 months.

So, they need a safe place to sleep -that’s not even in their own room- everything else is extra. If you want the beautiful nursery or the nesting experience but you just aren’t up to it right now, you have some time.

2. Baby Gear

Beyond that essential car seat and safe sleep space, there’s a whole world of swings, bouncers, play mats, special carriers, and monitoring systems that the baby industry tells us we absolutely must have.

Here’s the truth: while some of them might make life easier, none of them are truly essential. They can all be added later if and when you feel ready.

I know parents who found peace in researching every possible baby item, making sure they had the perfect solution for every scenario. I also know parents who couldn’t handle buying anything beyond absolute basics until after Baby arrived.

Both approaches worked just fine. Go with what brings you the most peace of mind.

3. Clothing and Personal Items

The number of clothing options for tiny humans can be overwhelming. While babies do need some basic items to stay warm and clean, the “must-have” lists you’ll find online are usually far more extensive than necessary.

What do babies actually need? A few basic onesies, some diapers, and a couple blankets will get you started. Everything else – those special outfits, matched sets, and themed accessories – they’re nice to have, but not essential.

4. Birth Preparation

When it comes to birth preparation, there’s often incredible pressure to have everything planned down to the last detail. Birth plans, labor playlists, hospital bag checklists, specialized labor items, birth photography – the list goes on.

While some basic medical preparation is necessary (like knowing how to contact your provider and get to your birth location), most of what’s marketed as “essential” birth preparation is actually optional.

Some parents find great comfort in having detailed plans. The research and preparation help them feel more confident going into birth.

Others find that kind of planning overwhelming or triggering. I fell into the latter camp – I couldn’t even pack that hospital bag everyone insisted was so essential.

While I do think there are benefits to creating, or at least thinking about a birth plan, if it feels like too much, having a discussion about it with your healthcare provider is better than nothing and may be enough.

I recommend sharing how overwhelmed you are feeling with your provider and asking them if they would be able to lead you through a verbal discussion of what you might want. Or for some resources to lead you and your partner (or other support person) through a discussion while they take some notes.

If you are up to it, these kinds of discussions may help you feel a little more prepared for your birth experience, even if you don’t have a solid plan in place (it’s better if the plan is fluid anyway).

For a deeper dive into birth plans and what goes into them, check out my friend’s post on The Mental Health Benefits of Creating a Birth Plan.

5. Celebrations and Ceremonies

For some, this is perhaps the most optional category of all, though it is the one that is most in your face on social media. Baby showers, gender reveals, pregnancy announcements, maternity photos – these are all modern traditions that can be beautiful ways to celebrate pregnancy.

But most are not essential and the ones that may be have some room for flexibility.

Some parents find deep healing in celebrating their rainbow pregnancy. The celebrations help them connect and create joyful memories. (If this is you, lean into it. I am not trying to discourage anything that brings you peace.)

Others may find these events overwhelming or anxiety-producing. Some choose to celebrate in very private ways, while others prefer not to celebrate at all.

Others still might find baby shower planning to be incredibly stressful but also completely necessary.

Let’s be real: babies do require some basic supplies that can add up quickly. If you need a baby shower to help with essential items, that’s completely valid. There are ways to approach this that might feel more manageable:

• Keep things as simple as possible. Unless you want it (and it’s ok if you do), the baby shower does not need an elaborate theme or Pinterest-worthy decorations.
• Have a support person host and handle details. In many cultures, this is the norm anyway.
• Keep things out of sight. If having the baby items you receive from the shower in your home sparks fear or anxiety, ask a support person to store them for you or try to put them somewhere out of sight.
• Tackle the registry in small doses or have someone help you research essential products.
• Wait until after Baby arrives if possible. If your finances allow, budget for the essentials yourself and then have a baby shower after Baby is born to fill in the rest.

I was incredibly lucky to have a support system who wanted to handle the baby shower for me. I would not have been able to pull one off if I had been left to my own devices.

When Optional Starts Feeling Necessary

Sometimes preparations we initially put in the “optional” category start feeling more necessary as pregnancy progresses. Maybe you’re not ready to think about a nursery, but you know you’ll need somewhere for Baby to sleep. Or perhaps you’re feeling pressured about a registry but can’t handle looking at baby items.

When this happens, try breaking things down into smaller pieces that feel more manageable. For example:

Instead of facing an entire nursery setup, you might:

• Focus only on finding a safe sleep space
• Let a support person handle storage solutions
• Add other elements only if/when you feel ready

Instead of tackling a full registry, you could:

• Make a private list of just the true essentials
• Ask someone else to research options
• Deal with additional items later

Instead of a complete hospital bag, consider:

• Identifying 2-3 absolute must-haves
• Having a support person pack extras
• Knowing some things can be brought later

For guidance on building that first essential support relationship, see our post on
Finding Your Initial Support Person for Rainbow Pregnancy.

And for help with setting up a broader circle of support, see
Creating Your Rainbow Pregnancy Support System.

The Pressure of Time

What complicates all these optional preparations is the pressure around timing. There’s this idea that everything needs to be ready before Baby arrives.

Here’s what I wish someone had told me sooner: babies don’t care if their nursery is decorated. They don’t know if you had a baby shower. They don’t mind if you’re still figuring out what items you need after they arrive.

What babies need is to be safe, fed, and loved. Everything else can come together in its own time.

To dig deeper into the true urgency of certain pregnancy expectations, see my post on handling time-sensitive tasks in rainbow pregnancy.

Some parents find themselves ready to tackle optional preparations early in pregnancy. Others might not feel ready until well after Baby arrives. Some might choose to skip certain preparations entirely.

Your timeline is yours to determine. Not the baby industry’s, not your well-meaning family’s, not even your pregnant friends’ – yours.

All of these optional preparations carry their own emotional weight in pregnancy after loss. What feels healing for one parent might feel overwhelming for another. What seems impossible today might feel manageable tomorrow – or might never feel right at all.

That’s why it’s so important to weigh these choices based on your own emotional needs rather than external expectations. You don’t need to check off every box on some standard preparation list. Just find ways to handle what needs to happen while protecting your heart.

To identify and learn more about your own approach to preparing
for your rainbow baby, see my related post on
How to Honor Your Natural Rainbow Pregnancy Preparation Style.

When Others Want More

One of the hardest parts of pregnancy after loss can be managing other people’s expectations. Everyone seems to have opinions about what you “should” be doing or feeling.

You don’t need to justify your preparation needs to anyone. You don’t need to explain why you can’t look at baby items yet, or why you’re not ready for a shower, or why you need to prepare differently than they expect.

If you’re finding others’ expectations overwhelming, remember that it’s okay to:

• Let someone else handle well-meaning relatives
• Delay conversations until you feel more ready
• Keep preparation private
• Say “I’m not ready to discuss that yet”

For further discussion about managing reactions to your pregnancy news and the expectations those you tell might have, see my post on
Announcing Your Rainbow Pregnancy: If, Who, When, and How.

Or if you’re finding some support relationships more draining than helpful, our post on When Rainbow Pregnancy Support Isn’t Supportive might help.

Finding Your Balance

Sometimes what looks like avoidance or denial from the outside is actually wisdom. Your heart knows what it needs to feel safe right now, even if that doesn’t match what others expect or what you imagined for yourself.

You might find yourself ready for some preparations but not others. Maybe you can handle practical tasks but need to avoid emotional ones. Or perhaps you have days where you can think about these things and days where you can’t. All of these responses are valid.

Finding ways to navigate this journey that feel safe for you while ensuring you have what you truly need is what matters most.

Sometimes that means letting others handle certain preparations. Sometimes it means taking things one tiny step at a time. Sometimes it means waiting until after baby arrives for anything that isn’t absolutely essential.

Your preparation path might look different from mine or anyone else’s – and that’s okay. While pregnancy loss connects us in ways none of us wanted, each of our journeys through pregnancy after loss is uniquely our own. Find your way through it in whatever way feels safe for you.

If you’re looking for connection with others who understand this complex journey, consider joining our private Facebook group for rainbow parents-to-be. You’ll find a community that understands the delicate balance of hope and protection, and supports you wherever you are in this process.

Before you go, I want to reiterate VERY CLEARLY that I am neither a Medical Health Care Provider nor a Mental Health Care Provider. Nothing I have written here should be taken as medical advice. PLEASE seek help from a professional if you have any questions or concerns about your pregnancy or your emotional state.

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