Permission to Plan (Or Not Plan) Your Rainbow Birth

Pure permission-giving for whatever approach to birth planning feels right for you

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I need to tell you something that no one told me during my rainbow pregnancy: you have complete permission to approach birth planning in whatever way brings you the most peace. Full stop.

Maybe you’ve been feeling pressure from others to create a detailed birth plan. Maybe you’ve been feeling guilty for avoiding birth planning altogether. Maybe you’re caught somewhere in between, unsure whether you’re “doing this right.”

What I wish someone had told me: there is no right way to approach birth planning during pregnancy after loss. There are only approaches that serve you and approaches that don’t.

If you’re reading this, you might be carrying some version of the guilt or uncertainty I felt. The pressure to plan like others expect you to plan. The worry that your approach to birth planning somehow reflects your commitment to this pregnancy or your worthiness as a parent.

Let me be clear: how you approach birth planning has nothing to do with how much you love this baby or how deserving you are of a positive birth experience.

Your approach to birth planning reflects your wisdom about what you need to feel emotionally safe right now. And whatever that looks like for you is exactly right.

The Permission You Didn’t Know You Needed

Sometimes the most powerful thing we can hear is explicit permission for what we’re already doing or feeling. So here it is, from someone who’s been there, in case no one has told you yet:

You have permission to not create a birth plan

Some pregnancies after loss require complete present-moment focus. If thinking about birth feels overwhelming, triggering, or simply impossible right now, you have permission to not engage with birth planning at all.

Your medical team can guide you through decisions as they arise during labor. Not planning is still a choice, and it’s a completely valid one.

That said, research does show that even minimal birth planning – like having one conversation with your provider about what you hope to avoid – can improve mental health outcomes and reduce birth trauma.

If complete planning feels overwhelming, consider whether there’s one small step that might help you feel more prepared without triggering anxiety.

For more insight into how even basic birth planning can support your mental health during this transition, Perinatal Specialist Rebecca Reddin, has written about The Mental Health Benefits of Creating a Birth Plan. Her perspective might help you think about what minimal preparation could look like for you.

Why avoiding (most) birth planning might be your path:

Maybe planning feels like tempting fate. Maybe your previous birth plan didn’t prevent your loss, so creating another one feels pointless or even dangerous. Maybe your mental and emotional energy is needed elsewhere right now – just managing the day-to-day anxiety of pregnancy after loss.

Maybe spontaneous decision-making feels safer than advance planning because you’ve learned that life rarely follows plans anyway.

Lean into what feels the safest or at least the most manageable for you right now and talk to your healthcare provider about what’s truly essential.

This is where I was during my rainbow pregnancy. Where I would have stayed if it hadn’t been for my midwives.

I was in full denial and did not believe I would make it out with my baby. So any sort of planning felt like setting myself up for even more pain.

My midwife team was absolutely amazing and was able to walk me through a verbal conversation or two about it and record my answers. And they never pressured me on answers I wasn’t ready to give.

If you are looking for a healthcare provider who understands pregnancy after loss, see:

➡️ Choosing the Right Healthcare Provider for Your Rainbow Pregnancy

If you are feeling like your healthcare provider isn’t capable of meeting you where you are, see:

➡️ A Rainbow Pregnancy Guide to Switching Healthcare Providers

How to handle pressure from others:

When well-meaning family members ask about your birth plan, you can say: “I’m planning to work with my medical team to make decisions as they come up.”

When friends share their detailed birth plans with you, you can say: “That sounds like a great approach for you. I’m taking things as they come.”

If your provider pushes for more detailed planning, you can say: “I’d prefer to focus on building trust with you so we can make good decisions together during labor. If some planning would be helpful, could you lead me through a conversation about my main preferences and take notes? I’m not ready to create a written plan on my own.”

You have permission to plan extensively

On the other end of the spectrum, you have complete permission to create detailed, comprehensive birth plans that address every scenario you can imagine.

Detailed planning can be a form of healing and empowerment. Research and preparation can feel like reclaiming control after experiencing the ultimate loss of control.

Your need for thorough preparation is completely valid.

However, if extensive planning is your approach, it’s important to think of your detailed plans as ideals rather than requirements.

Every birth experience is different, and complications, different pacing, or unexpected developments can change things significantly. Research shows that rigid attachment to specific plans can actually increase the risk of birth trauma when things don’t go as expected.

The research and preparation you do will make you more informed and better able to advocate for yourself regardless of how your birth unfolds. But holding your plans lightly – as helpful information rather than must-follow scripts – protects your mental health if adjustments become necessary.

If you find yourself feeling like you’ll need to stick rigidly to your detailed plans, you might want to consider the middle ground approach in the next section instead. Your research will still be valuable, but a more flexible framework might serve you better emotionally.

For an evidence-informed perspective that still honors flexibility, Evidence Based Birth offers tools for exploring your options without locking into rigid expectations.

Why planning extensively might be your path:

Maybe planning helps you process anxiety about birth. Maybe your previous loss taught you the importance of advocating strongly for yourself. Maybe detailed plans help your partner and support people understand your needs better.

Maybe knowledge feels like protection, and the more you know, the more prepared you feel for whatever might happen.

How to handle judgment about “over-planning”:

When people comment that you’re being “too anxious” or “overthinking,” you can say: “This level of preparation helps me feel ready.”

When others suggest you’re trying to control the uncontrollable, you can say: “I’m not trying to control outcomes, I’m trying to ensure my voice is heard regardless of how things unfold.”

If providers seem overwhelmed by your detailed plans, start a larger conversation with them. You can say: “I’ve put a lot of thought into this because it helps me feel prepared. Can we work together to make sure the most important elements are addressed?”

You have permission for the middle ground

Maybe you want some planning but not overwhelming detail. Maybe you prefer to focus only on your highest priorities while leaving everything else flexible. Maybe you want verbal discussions with your provider instead of written plans.

This middle ground approach is just as valid as the extremes – and for many people, it offers the best of both worlds and the best mental health outcomes.

Why this approach can be particularly effective:

You get the mental health benefits of some preparation without the overwhelm of trying to plan for every possibility.

You can focus your energy on the things that matter most to you while staying flexible about everything else. You maintain a sense of agency and voice in your birth experience without the pressure of detailed decision-making in advance.

This approach honors the reality that birth is unpredictable while still ensuring your core needs and values are communicated.

It allows you to do enough research (or information gathering from your provider) to feel informed without going down anxiety-provoking rabbit holes about unlikely scenarios.

What middle ground planning might look like:

You might identify your three most important preferences and leave everything else open. You might research pain management options without committing to a specific approach.

You might have detailed conversations with your provider about your loss history and main concerns while keeping your actual birth plan to one page.

You might plan extensively for emotional support while keeping medical preferences flexible. You might research thoroughly but write down only your non-negotiables.

You might create detailed plans for normal labor while acknowledging that complications would require completely different approaches.

How to communicate this approach:

You can tell your provider: “I’d like to discuss my main priorities with you and work together to create a flexible plan that can adapt as needed.”

You can tell family and friends: “I’m planning for the basics and staying open to how things unfold. I’ve thought through what matters most to me while leaving room for the unexpected.”

Permission Around Timing

Traditional pregnancy advice follows predictable timelines, but pregnancy after loss operates on its own schedule. Your emotional readiness for birth planning might not align with typical gestational milestones, and that’s completely normal.

Your planning doesn’t have to be consistent

Some days you might have capacity to engage with birth planning. Other days, the mere thought of birth might feel overwhelming. This inconsistency doesn’t reflect lack of commitment or preparation – it reflects the normal fluctuation of emotional capacity during pregnancy after loss.

You can start planning and stop. You can research extensively one week and avoid birth-related content the next. You can create detailed plans and then simplify them. You can avoid planning for months and then dive in during your final weeks.

All of these approaches are normal and valid.

You can change your mind

You might start this pregnancy determined to avoid all birth planning, then find yourself wanting more preparation as your due date approaches. Or you might begin with detailed research and planning, then decide it feels too overwhelming and scale back to basics.

Starting with no plan and adding elements later is completely fine. Starting with detailed plans and simplifying is equally fine. Switching approaches multiple times throughout pregnancy is also perfectly acceptable.

Your birth plan can evolve as your emotional capacity and needs change.

You can plan on your own timeline

Maybe you’re not ready to think about birth planning until much later than typical timelines suggest. Maybe you need to start thinking about it earlier because planning helps you manage anxiety.

Maybe you need to plan in very small increments over many months. Maybe you prefer to do all your planning in a concentrated period when you feel emotionally ready.

Honor your own timeline over external expectations about when planning “should” happen.

Permission Around Content and Depth

There’s no required content for birth plans, especially during pregnancy after loss. Your birth plan can include whatever feels important to you and exclude whatever doesn’t serve you.

You can focus on emotional elements

Your birth plan doesn’t have to be purely medical. You can include plans for honoring your angel baby during birth, strategies for emotional support during labor, or ways to address trauma responses if they arise.

You can plan for how you want your support team to handle complex emotions. You can include preferences for acknowledging both grief and joy during birth. You can create plans for staying connected to your angel baby while meeting your rainbow baby.

These emotional components are just as important as medical preferences.

You can keep it medical-only

On the other hand, you might prefer to focus solely on medical preferences and leave emotional aspects unplanned. Some people feel safer approaching birth planning from a purely clinical perspective.

I often found myself falling into patterns where I thought of my pregnancy as a medical condition. It wasn’t something I did consciously, but removing thoughts of pregnancy or the possibility of a baby or another loss really did help me with anxiety in the long run.

Focusing on medical preferences without detailed emotional processing is completely sufficient. Medical preferences form the traditional core of birth planning, and there’s no requirement to expand beyond that.

You can be specific about what matters to you

Pain management: Your choices can evolve from your “before loss” preferences. Trauma sometimes changes how you want to handle pain, and all pain management choices are valid decisions. Previous birth experience can inform but doesn’t dictate current choices.

You might want natural pain management this time even if you used epidurals before. You might want epidurals this time even if you had natural births before. You might want to start with one approach and have flexibility to change. All of these preferences are valid.

Interventions and monitoring: You can want more monitoring than typical recommendations suggest. You can decline interventions others might expect you to want. Your risk tolerance reflects your loss experience, and that’s completely valid. Medical anxiety deserves consideration in decision-making.

You might feel safer with continuous monitoring even if it’s not medically required. You might prefer to avoid interventions that were part of your previous loss experience. You might want extra time to process any potential intervention recommendations.

Support people and visitors: Your need for privacy or company may have evolved since your loss. You can include different people than those who you planned to have with you or who were part of previous birth experiences. Limiting or including visitors more than before is completely reasonable. Different support needs are normal and require no explanation.

You might want only your partner present this time, even if you had or planned to have family at previous births. You might want a larger support team than before. You might want professional support like a doula even if you didn’t feel you needed that before.

You can leave things undecided

Some decisions can wait until labor begins. “Game time decisions” are completely valid birth planning. You can have preferences without opinions on every possible scenario. Being undecided is different from being unprepared.

You might prefer to see how you feel about pain management once labor starts. You might want to decide about specific positions or movements based on how your body responds. You might want to make visitor decisions based on how you’re feeling after birth.

Permission Around Others’ Reactions

Your birth planning choices belong to you. You don’t owe anyone explanations for your approach, and you don’t need to accommodate others’ expectations about how you “should” be planning.

You can keep your planning private

Your birth plan is not community property. Sharing details is optional, not required. Different people can get different levels of information based on what feels comfortable to you.

You might share basic information with family while keeping details private. You might discuss your full plan with your partner and provider while telling others you’re “still thinking about it.” You might share extensively with some people and minimally with others.

Privacy protects your planning process from others’ opinions and advice.

You can handle advice differently

Well-meaning friends and family might offer birth planning advice based on their own experiences. You don’t have to take all suggestions. “Thank you, I’ll consider that” is a complete response.

Your loss experience gives you different priorities than others might have. Advice that worked for someone else might not fit your situation. You can appreciate others’ intention to help without implementing their suggestions.

You can work with your partner’s different needs

Partners may have different comfort levels with birth planning. One person can take the lead in planning if needed. Different coping styles don’t have to match perfectly.

Your partner might want detailed planning while you prefer flexibility. Your partner might want minimal planning while you want comprehensive preparation. These differences can be navigated through communication and compromise without either person sacrificing their essential needs.

Permission to Trust Yourself

Above all, you have permission to trust your own instincts about what serves you during this vulnerable time.

You know your own emotional capacity better than anyone else. Your instincts about what feels safe are trustworthy. Previous loss taught you important things about your needs, even if those needs feel different from what others expect.

You can ignore comparison

Other pregnant people’s planning styles don’t dictate yours. Social media birth stories don’t set requirements for your approach.

Your previous pregnancy experience doesn’t have to be repeated. Rainbow pregnancies have their own unique needs that can’t be compared to typical pregnancies.

What works for others might not work for you, and what works for you might not work for others. Both realities can be true simultaneously.

Comparison opens you up to the “shoulds,” and can lead you to feel like you are doing everything wrong. You’re not. It is ok for your birth and your planning to be different. For more on this, see:

➡️ Rainbow Pregnancy Preparation Guilt: When You Feel Like You’re Not Doing Enough

You can build confidence in your choices

Small planning decisions can build trust in bigger ones. You can start with what feels manageable and expand from there if you want to. Every choice teaches you something about your preferences, even if you change your mind later.

Moving Forward with Your Choice

Whatever approach to birth planning feels right to you today is the right approach. If it stops feeling right tomorrow, you can adjust. If it continues to feel right throughout your pregnancy, you can stick with it.

Your birth planning approach might evolve, or it might stay consistent. Both possibilities are completely normal.

If you’re ready for practical guidance on birth planning basics, you might find Birth Plan Basics: What Actually Matters in Pregnancy After Loss helpful.

If you’re struggling with fears about birth, Navigating Birth Fears in Pregnancy After Loss offers strategies for working with anxiety rather than against it.

But if you’re not ready for either of those next steps, that’s perfectly fine too. Sometimes the most important work is simply giving yourself permission to be where you are right now.

Your choice about birth planning – whether that’s detailed preparation, complete avoidance, or something in between – represents hope. It shows that despite everything you’ve been through, part of you is preparing for the possibility of bringing your baby home.

That hope, however cautious or protected, is a form of courage. And whatever birth planning approach grows from that hope will be exactly what you need.

If you’d like to connect with others who understand that birth planning after loss is complicated, emotional, and completely different from ‘typical’ pregnancy planning, our private Facebook group is a safe space where your feelings about birth planning – whatever they are – make perfect sense to everyone there.

Before you go, I want to reiterate VERY CLEARLY that I am neither a Medical Health Care Provider nor a Mental Health Care Provider. Nothing I have written here should be taken as medical advice. PLEASE seek help from a professional if you have any questions or concerns about your pregnancy or your emotional state.